Wednesday, September 18, 2013

810. A PROBLEM

Considering my inability to write for days ...
I'll be surprised to show up till I know that Will 's surgery went well and his initial days of healing are behind us.  So sorry to have left you peering into the wash ...
Your friend,
Annie

Saturday, September 14, 2013

809 A PROBLEM Part 6

Sorry for doing this so often, lately ... this is the best I can offer in my present state of mind ... before reading ahead, you might like to know that more was added to post 808.

In answer to why surgery is delayed two months ...
Will had 24 biopsies in July.
Sixteen came back positive
It takes six weeks before the inflammation from all of those sites heal and the swelling calms down, offering the surgeon's eye a surgical sight clear enough for surgery to take place.
If six weeks has passed, why are we prolonging distress by waiting two weeks more?

Before we move ahead, it may also be prudent to review post 806, concerning the way childhood trauma, left undiagnosed, exacerbates fearsome experiences, today ...

If you think me belaboring this point, please remember that repetition is not redundant when our goal is retention ... which is why I reread many of the insights that emerge from my think tank.
Your tired friend,
Annie
Yom Tov on this day of remembrance, forgiveness and renewal

Friday, September 13, 2013

808 A PROBLEM Part 5

While watching a person exhibiting that which we believe to be an over reaction, it's likely that we're witnessing the emergence of an unprocessed trauma, which had been repressed deep within this severely distressed person's subconscious.  As long as subconscious trauma remains in an unprocessed (unidentified, unexamined or misunderstood) state, the traumatized reaction will be triggered, again and again, just as a war veteran mistakes a backfiring car for gun fire.

When a person is processing through a delayed reaction to terror, pain, anger and/or confusion associated with trauma, shallow-minded judgments (negatively focused feedback) prolong and intensify post traumatic reactions, making recovery more difficult.  If negative feedback heightens emotional pain, overlong, eventually, traumatized stress, festering in an unprocessed state, drains the life force from our spirits, resulting in a deeply irritated, irrational state of mental exhaustion ...

If Will's cancer was diagnosed early in July, why has his surgery been delayed two months?  I mean, have you ever experienced what it feels like to wait two months to remove cancer from a loved one's body?  Though you may not have that answer in mind, I do.  And though the answer makes sense, understanding does not relieve added weeks of stress.

The answer I do not yet have and am searching inside to find is this:
How can a terrifying situation that I'd experienced at the vulnerable age of twenty months, before my brain developed the ability to fathom (process) complex thought processes, intensify the distressed state of my mind, today?

807 A PROBLEM Part 4

Added more to yesterday's post.
Thoughts concerning adjusting fearful mindsets, which I find significant enough to merit your consideration.  If yesterday's post had been read before those thoughts were added, it may be wise to review it, so today's post will make sense.

Will was diagnosed with Prostate cancer in July.
His surgery is approaching in ten days.
I am more afraid now than when approaching my brain surgery ...
Well first of all, this is Will we're talking about.
And something about today's crises stimulated an unprocessed trauma to emerge from wherever it had been buried within my subconscious.  During a session of EMDR, I was able to unlock the door to that frightening memory, which took place when I was hospitalized at about twenty months old.
Hopefully, if I feel well enough, more, tomorrow ...

Thursday, September 12, 2013

806 A PROBLEM Part 3

Still in the process of gaining clarity concerning the root of this fear that's overwhelming my sense of logic, balance, well being and personal safety ...

EMDR is instrumental in guiding me to identify and overcome debilitating fears, based in childhood trauma.

EMDR is a form of therapy that helps to determine childhood trauma buried so deeply within the subconscious that we are unaware of the negative ways in which yesteryear influences our self perception (self esteem), today.
If you need further explanation, please google EMDR.

Yesterday, during a session of  EMDR, a trauma emerged from my subconscious that occurred when I was less than two years old.  While working as an adult to reprocess the terror I'd felt as a child, logic began to interlace with fear that's threatening my sense of safety, today.  At least that's my hope.  Truthfully, when an emotion as intense as I am feeling controls my mind to such a great extent, it's difficult to tell whether I'm  truly beginning to inch forward toward regaining my sense of balance or fooling myself.

At this point, I'm working to identify and readjust my fearful attitude.
Historically, I've been able to figure myself out and solve problems, which had once loomed huge, so there's no reason why that won't happen, again, given time.

I just wrote an email to a dear friend, suggesting that in the past, fearsome situations threw me into denial, and while in denial, I'd joke around a lot.  Now, fear makes me very quiet.  Pensive.

I wonder if the difference between then and now points to this possibility:  Though I write about denial, reality and ... balance in all things, I'm out of balance, right now, for sound reason.  You see, I'd once lived in denial, and perhaps, as a consequence of concentrating solely on connecting with reality, it's natural for my mind to swing to the opposite side of the spectrum before I can balance a healthy dose of denial with reality during life's most frightening times.  I mean, a small injection of denial to minimize my fear sure would help while working to adjust my attitude, right?  You know, like injecting a shot of novocaine before the dentist's drill reaches the root.  Hey!  Maybe I'm on to something, here. When we stop to think about it, isn't this what Mother Nature intended denial to be? A stress (pain) reliever during times that try our souls?

Actually, if I'm looking for signs of rebalancing today's fearful mindset with an injection of positive focus then it's good to know that my think tank is processing thoughtfully, right now, instead of writing fearfully.  After all, writing thoughtfully is a positive sign, in and of itself.  Let's face it.  I haven't been able to write productively for days.  As post traumatic stress creates confusion, clarity is no where to be found.  Today, My think tank feels clear enough to create lucid trains of thought.

Upon rereading that last paragraph, I released a big sigh and smiled, naturally...
Another positive sign.

Listen, I could use your encouragement, here.  Adjusting fearful mindsets so we can function in a well balanced state during exceptionally scary times is demanding work.  Though it's true that no one can adjust my mindset but me, a strong foundation of support always helps.

Somehow when you show up, your interest helps me feel better during difficult times.
So, thank you, wherever you are, for hanging in there with me.

Guess I'm in the process of growing.  So you know what's coming next, right?
No pain, no gain ...

Tomorrow, I hope to feel well enough to tell you what's going on, presently, that stimulated subconscious (unprocessed) fear to emerge and gain control over my mind.  We'll have to wait and see ...
Hoping that some of what my mind explores is helpful to you ...
Your friend,
Annie

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

804 A PROBLEM Part 2

Still struggling to process (understand) the hidden root of this undefined fear that's overwhelming my think tank ...

Monday, September 9, 2013

803 A PROBLEM ...

I'm struggling with fear
That's why I've been quiet
Taking care of myself
Asking for your patience ...
More when my conscious mind musters courage
And intelligence regains control over unprocessed (unidentified) fear ...

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

802 IT ALL COMES OUT IN THE WASH Part 3

One day, while pulling my car into our garage, something grabs my attention at the edge of the ravine just east of our house.

Our ranch styled house, protected from the elements by a sloped, red tile roof, is made of slump brick, painted white.  We built our dream house in a lovely neighborhood at the end of a quiet cul du sac, figuring this to be a safe place for children to run out to play with neighboring kids—and happily, the couple next door have four, all of whom mesh congenially with our three, and though David, being so much younger, is like their mascot, all seven become fast friends.  

Will and I chose this particular lot with thoughts of breathing in peaceful views of blue skies overlooking the natural beauty of a rugged mountain range while relaxing in our back yard pool.  This diving pool is surrounded by white slump planters, overflowing with multi-colored flowers, umbrella'd by palm trees, swaying with the breeze.

If you stand at the far end of our kitchen you'll see a 'wall' of floor to ceiling windows on either side of an arcadia door.  Please open this sliding glass door and step out onto the covered patio, shaped as long as it's wide before stretching past its overhang and reaching all around the pool.  Though the covered portion of this patio is made of cement, Kool Deck surrounds our pool, protecting tender soles, big and small, from burning on pavement so hot as to fry eggs 'neath the sun.

Now, look beyond the lawn (which borders three sides of the pool and planters) and to the right to see a wooden play structure so sturdy as to accommodate children of all ages—I mean, whom amongst us doesn't love to climb and swing. :)

Surrounding our desert oasis you'll find a variety of flowering bushes (I sure do love flowers!), butting up against a five-foot tall, white slump block wall, built to code around yards with pools.  Beyond that wall, check out tree tops of our small citrus orchard, comprised of four orange and two grapefruit trees.  Rounding out the acre of this little mecca we call home is the half court I hired a guy to pour to surprise my quartet of basketball crazed guys.

As it's often too hot to shoot baskets for very long, a net is installed on the Kool Deck, near the shallow end of the pool, extending the hours that our sons, their friends and Will alternate running up and down the half court and shooting baskets, wet and wild.  If you've begun to surmise that our kids, the four next door and an assortment of school buds grew up in paradise, you'd be right.

In case you're looking for the tennis court, well, it's next door, and our congenial neighbors offer us carte blanche.  So is there any wonder why I call our house the kids' private resort, complete with me as concierge :)

At this point, having shown you around our back yard and beyond, let's take a giant leap over the house.

Okay!  Good job!

Now that we're standing solidly in the middle of the semi-circular, granite driveway, let's face the facade of our dream house, so your eye can sweep over the landscape leading toward our front door.  First you'll spy five, multi-trunked, ficus nitida trees, each atop a small, grassy knoll.  Then, check out the variety of lush palms, a profusion of hot pink bouganvilla and a line up of oleander bushes, dotted with bright pink blossoms.  Next, turn your attention toward the red tiled walkway (bordered by flower beds of lantana, both purple and gold), leading up to a pair of tall, square-shaped, white, slump block pillars (Will you build me a house, all painted white, cute and clean and shiny and bright—sung by Ado Annie in Rogers and Hammerstein's Oklahoma) flanking a pair of twin, over-sized, blond oak doors   As your eye sweeps across the front of our house from left to right, you'll focus on a series of picture windows, the first of which looks into our guest room.  Then, as your eye marches forward along the tiled walkway and up three steps toward that pair of oversized doors, look to the right to see two bay windows, the first peering into the living room, the second into our dining room, and finally, as your eyes rest on a solid white, slump block wall, you'll be looking at the side of our garage  You see, while designing our five bedroom, four bath, dream house, we didn't want our garage door facing front, suggesting that we can't drive straight into it from the street.

I guess you could say our u-shaped driveway resembles a y in that we drive from the cul du sac, past the east side of the house, before making a sharp left into the garage.  BTW—there's method to my madness in describing this to you :)

In fact, let's take a moment, so I can clarify why that's true:  Whenever we enter our two car garage (never thought we'd own three cars, much less four!) from inside the house and push the button on the wall to open the door, here's what we see beyond the cars parked inside:  We see a square-shaped block of cement, which had been poured on the ground directly outside of the garage.  No problem, right?  Well, no problem, except for one missing fact:  This pavement—not much longer than a car length—ends at a sheer drop into a rocky ravine, suggesting that it takes concentration to back out of the garage or else ... well, you get the picture, right?  Amazing what we choose to do for aesthetics!  You know, like young women tottering around in six inch heels!

At this point, it's time for a riddle:
What's another word for ravine?

Though rain in the desert is rare, our climate offers up torrential storms, now and then.  One day last week, I was drenched to the skin, running a short distance to my car.  With so much water swirling around, signs are posted on streets that dip, cautioning drivers to choose a different route or chance the car being swept off the road—and as more than one friend has paid the price of ignoring those signs, you can believe me when I say that during torrential downpours, water, rushing powerfully down rugged mountain terrain, washes everything in sight out of its path, and eventually, over time, rushing rivers, momentary though they may be, erode away at the earth as to create a ravine, which desert dwellers call a wash.

Anyway, one day, while heading up the east side of our driveway toward the garage, something grabs my attention at the edge of the wash, so after parking my car with care, I walk across the cement block, peer into the wash and can't believe my eyes! 

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

801 IT ALL COMES OUT IN THE WASH Part 2

So months pass, and Barry's decision to ride his bike to school makes one of my wishes come true. Now that I'm driving back and forth to two schools rather than three (no bus service), I actually have more time for myself, mornings and late afternoons.  And as every working mom knows, free time is scarce, and we covet that which we don't have..

Why three schools, no bus service?

Scott is in the same private school attended by his brothers when they were young.
Steven attends public school, out of district, so the school bus does not service our neighborhood.
Barry's high school is processing through many districting changes, no public buses near our home.

Anyway, Barry is happy with his newfound independence.
And it's good that I'm working to adjust my mindset toward accepting my son riding his bike beyond parental control 'neath a dark sky, because in the blink of an eye, my adjustment will need to expand toward accepting my child, driving off in the dark of night on his own!  I mean for goodness sake! Wasn't that child just born!  Where has the time gone?

Whew!  Let's pause for a sec, because I'm getting ahead of myself.  So, we'd best throw this time machine into reverse and step back into Barry's bike riding days, where a broken rule is waiting to pop up in the wash ... :)

Monday, September 2, 2013

800 IT ALL COMES OUT IN THE WASH :) Part 1

One day while I'm in the kitchen preparing dinner, wishing for at least four arms and legs to keep everything humming harmonically, fifteen year old Barry walks toward me and says, Mom, you don't haven't a drive me to school, anymore; I'm gonna ride my bike.
What?  I ask surprised.  Why would you want to do that?
Because I feel like such a kid when you drop me off.

My first inclination is to say, but, Barry, you are a kid, and I drive you because it's at least two miles to school; it's hot as blazes outside; there's no bus service anywhere near here and you'll have to leave the house so early and get home so much later ... however, I think before I speak.  As I've become practiced at taking a spontaneous time-out on the spot, my mind bites back my initial perceptions in favor of responding to what I see as Barry's need to approach his classmates independent of parental supervision.  In short, I'm intuitively aware of personal growth taking place during these four years of high school when an active mind evolves through the classic transition of leaving childhood behind while advancing toward the earliest stage of adult independence.

I guess you could say that I challenge my brain to penetrate the surface of my sons' remarks in hopes of achieving depth perception in a similar fashion as when I challenge my mind to penetrate repetitive designs, drawn on each page of those Magic Eye books, which challenge the brain's power of depth perception to re-organize complex patterns until 3D pictures emerge so clearly as to make me exclaim,  Aha!  There it is!  I see it, now!

Though my comfort zone must stretch past the fact that it's dark outside when Barry switches on his bike light and pedals off, wheels spinning, reflectors flashing, I find no rational reason to delay my eldest son's natural desire to expand his adventurous sense of independence.  Therefore, my maternal instinct, which longs to protect this precious person from whatever unwonted surprise the world may fling across his path, must work at loosening parental reins.

As youth's natural need to grow beyond present limits creates a sense of internal conflict within me, I am charged with growing courageous and insightful enough to discern when to plant thoughts of roots and when to encourage each of my sons to increase his wing span by providing all three with opportunities to fly solo toward whatever destiny may hold in store for each one  ... So though all of my concerns are eventually aired and briefly discussed,  the greater part of my mind works in readiness to accept the fact that my first born child is actively growing up as we speak.

And if you ask:  Annie, how does Barry, riding solo to school, relate to youth's independent spirit breaking rules?
I'll reply:  Please tune in tomorrow :)