583. WHAT REMAINS TO BE SEEN

When I was too young to know myself in depth
And cruel taunts made me feel too fat
I got so scared
And experienced so much subconscious pain
That that freaking, subterranean pain messed with my mind
At that time, strengths, which made me feel whole fell into a black hole
So here's what I not show behind my smile ...
I was the consummate actress, extraordinaire
I was Annie, who'd cried by night, smiled by day
When anxious, teen-aged Annie'd laughed
And willed sharply piercing pain to dim
One thing I still am not in high school is this:
Totally relaxed, at ease in my skin
Much better, though, now, than at twelve or thirteen
Most especially with guys
So, where has adult Annie grown toward, so far, today?
I'm a mixture of more and less
More open
More honest
More clear
Less mixed up
Less fearful
Less pained deep within
Why?

A closed book in need of opening
Has been opened, at first, gingerly
Revealing mysteries which
Expose both sides of me
Today, I feed my need to express
Emotion, which had been locked deep inside
Today I express aloud or write what I feel
Word by word
Page by page
Post by post
And while writing reasons why I'd conditioned myself
To remain a closed book ...
I quoth the raven ...
Nevermore!
Today I am openly, wholly me—messy as that may be
And while pouring time and energy into this courageous act of
Morphing ... transforming myself—by conscious choice
To embrace my vulnerabilities
And my strengths, which, together, comprise my whole
Thee may choose to draw near to me or not
Either way—
I run with the wolves—
Hear me howl ...
I am woman—freeing myself to be wholly me—
So ...Okay, perhaps I don't howl ...
Well, maybe once or twice ...
You must know what's coming next ...
More about morphing in stories down the road :)

582 THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA

Whoops!
Changed my mind.
The writing is writing itself ...
Buckle up, please... Fast forward time machine
Annie is seen crossing over another threshold
Into an evening class
It is our first session
We arrive a moment late
My friend, Tanya and I pause in the front of the room
Smiling apologetically at the teacher
We take a quick glance around
Walk down the aisle between two rows of desks
Toward the few seats left in the back, settle in
The roll is called alphabetically
My friend's last name begins with B
Mine with S
When friend's name is called
Tanya raises her hand as do the others
Down the roll we go, my name is called
I raise my hand
The teacher looks at me and says
You're too small to sit in the back
Next time take a seat in front
Though I be small
My friend be several inches smaller than me
Though insecurity creates disbelief
Smart is smart
Animal instincts are aroused
My antenna go up
On the other hand insecurity is defensive
Defensiveness is A Great Wall of China erector
Brain so anesthetized to positive change ...
No thought of roaring assertively—yet
Then again—
When the student is ready the teacher appears
On the other hand—
If said student is insecure, not ready to connect—
The teacher's targeting interest may seem scary, indeed!
Why scary?
Fuzzy memory stuck in subconscious
Pokes at conscious side of mind
This makes Annie feel wary ...
As though a strange 'feeling' of being prey has been stirred ...
Silly, right?  Or maybe not ...
I mean who's to say
When Annie will develop
Such heightened levels of self confidence
As to muster the courage to push denial away
In hopes of freeing a forgotten memory
Tucked into one of the darkest pockets of her brain ...
Only the shadow mind knows yea or nay, for sure ...

581 1961 ANNIE ENJOYS HIGH SCHOOL :)

                                  1961 sees Annie, surrounded by a bevy of girlfriends, Jr. year
                           Can you guess which one will become Annie's lifelong friend, Debbi?
                                                      Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself
                                          Here I am, showing you Annie, sparkling away ...
                                      After having been embraced by a new circle of friends
                                                            Whom you've not yet met ...
                                   So in order to rectify that lapse in time and surprising events
                                 Let's buckle our seat belts, throw our time machine into reverse
                                    Zoom back across the time line and check out what follows
                                        In the aftermath of that first day of high school, when ...
                                        Two smiling spirits connect in freshman English class :)

580 1954 ANNIE AT ELEVEN YEARS OLD

                                                          1954  Annie in a photo booth ...
                                     Sometime after she'd begun to ride the bus to Hell ... I mean ...
                                                                     To Hebrew school
                                                      If this is news to you, please see story
                                             Beginning with Post 6, written on Feb. 26, 2011
                                                                  BULLY FOR ME
                                                 Then, read through series of posts entitled
                                                                       FIRST KISS
                                            Beginning with Post 58, written on May 17, 2011
                                            Though this photo shows Annie's lips turning up
                                                                   Creating small smile ...
                                                                Upon closer examination
                                                     Annie's eyes turn down, as though so sad
                                                    That no sparkle shines forth from within
                                        Since a true smile emanates from deep within the spirit ...
                                           A detective would nose around in search of sadness
                                                             Lurking behind a defensive wall
                                                   Which Mother Nature thought it best to erect
                                                                    In order to separate
                                      The conscious portion of this child's eleven year old mind ...
                                                          From the subconscious portion
                                                Where hidden pockets of forgotten memories
                                                  Will have remained locked in deep storage
                                                        Until such time as Annie, the adult
                                                       Has had reason to muster the courage
                                                      To penetrate the dark side of her mind
                                      Where, rummaging around, she'll retrieve forgotten details
                                                   In hopes that a bigger picture will emerge
                                   Showing why fear silenced one slice of her self confident voice
                                                               At the tender age of three
                                               Then, what if, upon mustering the courage
                                        To work toward retrieving other haunting memories
                                                                  Annie was to learn
                                           What caused another assertive slice of her voice
                                                               To be silenced by fear ...
                                                            BEFORE she turned eleven ...
                                   While we watch Annie recover silenced slices of her voice
                                      By retrieving memories too fearful for a child to bear
                                            Then perhaps, with insight into self awareness
                                                      We'll see how world class pleasers
                               Can take down defensive walls and expand perceptions, which ...
                                         Create narrow boundaries, limit comfort zones and
                                               Determine roles that they unwittingly adopt
                           As we watch Annie's views of life, love and self continue to develop
                                        We'll come to understand that Annie was scratching
                                To get deep enough under her skin to release undeserved guilt
                                                                    As you shall see
                                                Resolving inner conflict may be likened to
                              Retrieving the black box that resolves the cause of a serious crash
                                                And what, I ask, could feel more liberating
                                                  Than learning how to work consciously
                                                          At deepening peace of mind
                                                          By resolving inner conflicts
                              In ways that brighten the mind and lighten the spirit—at long last!

579 1950 MORRY, ANNIE AND LAUREN

                                                                             1950
                              Jack's turn to pose on the grass in apartment complex's backyard
                                        Annie and Lauren, famous for round, rosy cheeks
                                                                      Are encircled within
                                                    Their loving father's protective embrace

578B SUCCESS! 1950 JENNIE, ANNIE AND LAUREN :)

                                                                            1950
     Jennie, holding Annie and Lauren tenderly, in backyard of apartment complex
                                See back porches in background made of wooden slats?
                                            Imagine gazing upward to third floor
                                   Where Janet had napped, peacefully, in baby buggy ...
                         If you've not yet read TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR
                        That story, describing our family's tragedy, begins with post 220
                                                 Written on August 6th, 2011

578A CUP HALF FULL DAY ...

If ever a day was set aside
To bend the mind
Toward the positive side
Tis this day when we give thanks
For the best of life's bounties ...
Most especially
Treasured family and friends
And now that the feasting is over
And the story telling is done
And the kitchen is spotless
And it's time to turn in for the night
I plan to fall asleep smiling
By withdrawing moments of good fortune
From my memory bank
Because recalling positive memories
From years, gone by
Is my favorite way
To enjoy a peaceful repose
While drifting from conscious awareness
Into slumberland
Night after night...
And thus do I identify
Countless reasons why
My cup proves more than half full ...
:) Happy Thanksgiving, 2012, one and all

577 A BLOG ACTING SCREWY

Blog acting up
For reasons unknown
Post 577 has sandwiched itself
Between 568 and 569
If asked why I'll not allow this puzzlement
To tizzy my mind
I'd reply
Tis not mine to question why
Tis mine to figure out how to align posts
In numerical fashion as in
One,  two, three and so forth
However ...  if I allow 'small stuff' like this
To make jumping beans of my mind
Frustration will throw all sense of logic
Under the bus
And in lieu of logic
Goals remain illusive rather than achieved
Sooo ... If my goal is to line up posts
In an orderly fashion
It seems best to maintain my hold on logic
By strengthening a character trait
Which I like to call my ...
 Line of Control :)
And if I meet with success
Post 577 will be followed by 578A and 578B
So, okay, let's wish the problem-solving side of my mind good luck  ...
And perhaps, while adhering to logic
Insight into 'why' may emerge, as though on it's own
I mean let's look at the art of problem solving as a whole:
What if there's something I don't know about posting
That I still need to learn ...
What if each time a new insight into posting is gained
I gain control over another aspect of blogging
What if learning more about the art of blogging
Is similar to consciously increasing my computer skills
And what, my friends, if that same concept
Of expanding my learning curve
By conscious choice proves true
About maintaining my hold on logic ...
In hopes of expanding the narrowness of my views
At those times when love or life
Threatens to throw my mind into such a dizzying tizzy
That all I feel is ditzy
I mean, how focused can our problem solving skills be
In terms of achieving illusive goals
At those times when we're hanging onto cliffs by a shredding thread ...
Going bonkers or getting so gaga
That our thought processors are on the fritz?
I mean, what if rather than the blog acting screwy
I come to find that something about my thought processor
Is out of wack ... Hmmmm ...
:) Something worth considering, n'est ce pas?

576 1949 ANNIE AT THE FAIR ...

                                                                             1949
                       If there was a circus in town or a fair where fun waited to be shared ...
                                               Jack and his little girl adventured forth
                                        Lovingly, eagerly, enthusiastically, hand in hand :)
                                     Note arms bandaged in hopes of curbing scratching ...
                                                      Which reoccurs, now and then
                                                                               Why?
                               For reasons that remained mysterious over most of her life ...
                                  Annie itched to get problems out from under her skin
                                                           However, trying to discern
                                                           Why a child with a smile
                                          May feel seriously conflicted, deep inside her mind ...
                                      Often proves to be a lasting puzzlement for all who care ...
                                                                              Why?
                                                 The only mind that can dive deep enough
                                          To piece together the bigger picture of this puzzle
                                                                 Belongs to the little girl
                                        Who will grow up to develop the courage, necessary ...
                                       To dismantle her own defensive walls, brick by brick ...

575 1949 HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY TO LAUREN! :)

                                                     January 1949  Lauren is one year old!
                                          The Goodwin's celebrate in style with dear friends

574. 1948 ANNIE STRIKES A POSE! :)

                                        1948  Annie models in a fashion show
                                         Jennie wears a loving, stylish smile :)
                                           Jack beams down at his little girl :)

573. COME OUT, COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE :)

I'd love to hear from you ...
Any questions?  Comments?
:) Your friend, Annie

572 1948 JENNIE AND ANNIE

                                                    1948 summertime at the beach
                                                Warm, tender-hearted, lovely Jennie
                                                            Posing in the sun with ...
                                                     Annie, cheeks round and rosy :)

571 1947 ANNIE ON WHEELS :)

                    1947  Annie in the apartment living room, three and a half years old ...
                                               Check out eyes ... spirit sparkling :)

570 1946 ANNIE CLOSING IN ON THREE :)

                                 Late 1946 Annie, visiting family in Florida

569 1946 ANNIE AT TWO YEARS OLD :)

                               1946  Annie seen contemplating life's puzzles, early on ... :)

568 1944 ANNIE AND JACK :)

                           Late spring of 1944 ... Annie and her beloved father, Jack :)

567 1943 SUMMER JENNIE AND JACK

                       1943 ... JENNIE AND JACK ... SWEET HEARTS AT THE BEACH
                                                                Jennie is with child
                                                            That child will be ... me :)

566 TRY TRY AGAIN :)

A guy after my own heart once said:

"I haven't failed.  I just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Tomas Edison

I have an addiction to hope ... or so I've been told :)
When I hear that perception, I smile and respond:
Edison adopted an attitude
Bent toward tomorrow's success, and so have I ...
If attitude is everything
Then here is my plan for life:
As long as my sense of positive focus
Aligns with reality's wake up calls
The detective inside me
Will quest toward solutions to dilemmas in this manner:
The detective works, patiently, seeking keys
That unlock my memory bank
In hopes of collecting lost clues
Which will brighten my mind with insights
That may help me to adventure through
Whatever dark, hazy maze
May be getting me down, today
Each time my inner compass is redirected toward ...
Hope, positive focus and the concept of win-win
I lead myself toward discovering
A sunnier tomorrow ...
Which, thank goodness ...
Is only a day away :)
As you get to know the sum of my traits
Which makes up my whole
You, too, may agree
That when opportunity knocks
Fear must not block us from opening our eyes
To the wonders, which beckon your spirit and mine
To delight in life's possibilities, anew ...
So sayth your dark haired, bright eyed friend, wearing outrageous hat ...
:) Annie The Sleuth

565 OUTRAGEOUS HAT ... SUCCESS ... AT LAST! :)

If you're surprised that of all the photos from which I have to choose
This is the first one of me to pop up on your screen
Then you must not realize how much I enjoy
The element of surprise that life offers us, all :)
Well, let me clarify that ...
I love any surprise that's attached to high spirited fun
And showing up at a Halloween bash sporting this hat
And blood red lipstick ... was fun and a half!
In case you're wondering ... why no nose ... well
My make up was so white that my nose ...
Which was definitely right at home in the middle of my face ...
Seemed to disappear ... just like certain details
Which disappear from conscious memory ...
Haunt us, deep inside
Like invisible phantoms, lurking within the shadows
Of the dark side of our minds
And knowing that to be true of me
I've turned my conscious mind into a detective
Nosing around for answers to questions that prey upon my sense of peace
So now that my new computer has decided to be user friendly
And since I've just learned how to post photos
I think it may be fun to introduce my family and friends to you, one by one ...
Wishing you a be-witching good time BEFORE the holidays unfold ...
And hoping your brain is bent toward choosing to create
A lot more fun than stress ...
:) Your fun-loving friend, Annie

564. GENIOUS BAR

Sooo, technician stymied
Not a good sign
Made appointment at Apple with techies at genius bar
I'll resolve this problem, yet!
Have been writing thoughts, held in reserve until computer decides to stop balking ...
It's becoming obvious that computer never heard of cooperating toward win-win :)

563 COMPUTER

New computer still frozen
Technician coming,  today
Hopefully posts will be up and running smoothly, pretty soon
Good thing I write of patience, sigh ... :)

562 UNLOADING BAGGAGE AFTER PULLING INTO IN THE STATION

Sometimes confusion does this to me ...
I can only see door number one or door number two when, in truth, opportunity ... waiting to welcome me home ... lies behind door number  three, which remains too blurry for my mind to visualize it beckoning to me with anything resembling clarity ... So whenever confusion reigns supreme, my foot tends to hover close to the brakes and I coast, while keeping my eyes open for signs of clarity, which inevitably lies somewhere ahead..

561. PULLING POSTS 557 AND 559 INTO THE STATION

If after reading posts 557 and 559 you'd like to ask, Annie, how do you know that all you've considered about puzzling your way toward solving conundrums is true, here's what I'd say ...

Makes sense to couple up my most recent train of thought with facts as tried and true as these ...

The truth emerges in the end ...
And each time fantasy has led my mind on another merry chase ...
Tis the truth that sets free the gerbil in the cage, running on a wheel that gets me no place (better)  fast ... So, no matter how painful today's truth may prove to be, I'll place my faith in my history of working painstakingly toward clarity, which consistently precedes peace of mind ...

560 SORRY FOR MISTAKES IN POST 559 :)

Sorry for so many mistakes in post 559
New computer is frozen
I've been writing on iPad ... Which often has a mind of its own
As my iPad has been known to delete an entire post while I'm writing, I'll not edit until computer is unfrozen.  Thanks in advance for understanding :)

559 DIVING DEEPER INTO THOUGHTS ABOUT POSITIVE FOCUS ...

I've been reflecting upon concepts presented in post 557, concerning attitudes leaning toward positive thoughts rather than negative thoughts, and that train of thought offered me reason to consider times when my mind leaned toward attitudes based in positive possibilities vs times when my mind supported attitudes based in fear or fantasy when reality was too painful to face head on.

If you asked, Annie, how can you tell when positive focus and fantasy get mixed up?  I'd reply:  It's true that subconscious need is empowered to cause the thought processor to bark up the wrong tree, meaning that, at times, we need to figure out if one side of the mind is leading the other astray.  when I need  to figure out whether or not my brain is fooling me, here 's how I've learned to respond ...

First of all, common sense suggests sleeping on the dilemma ...

Then, after sleeping on it, which gives both sides of my mind time to confer and work as a whole, I sit down to write, hopeful that conscious awareness may pop up on your screen and mine at the very same time (for example, I have no clue where this current train of thought is taking me next).

You see,  I have a feeling that whenever I'm wrestling with a recurrent dilemma, some portion of  my awareness is mired in denial, meaning that I'm wrestling with a truth that may prove too painful to show itself in its entirety to me ... however, with time and patience and faith in my mind's ability to clarify the difference between fantasy and reality, eventually self trust (instinct) will clarify a bigger picture and a should will pop out of my mouth, showing me the root of whatever is deviling my peace of mind ... In most cases this should proves to be a dictate of society to which my independent spirit is insistently resistant.

At this point if you asked, Annie, how do you know this is true?  I'd say, well ... let's see where this current train of thought leads my mind to next ...

I am a well-seasoned problem solver
I know my mind's defense system is programmed to play tricks on me
I also know my intelligence can piece puzzle pieces together until bigger pictures appear
So each time one side of my mind wrestles with the other (fantasy vs. reality?)
I've learned to patiently allow the wrestling match to continue
Until instinct offers an insight and the victor emerges, at last ...

If you say:  OK, now you've lost me ... I'd offer a small, wistful smile and reply ...

This is leap of faith time, my friends ...
This is time for us to place our faith in my solution-seeking history ...
This is time to play the game of wait and see what develops on its own
Because, time and again, that which proves real tends to loom larger
Than any fantasy subconscious need conjures up
So, rather than working my mind into a tizzy
Trying to unwind strings of fantasy from lines based in reality
I've learned to have faith that given free rein
My brain, acting as a whole
Will work to resolve inner conflict as long as
I can tolerate tension while my Neo cortex is processing
The entirety of the problem ...

As a member of the higher species within the animal kingdom
I'll not allow my brain to wrestle with unresolved delemmas
Like a gerbil, running on a wheel, in a cage
Instead, I'll direct my conscious train of thought
Toward this fact:  While my mind is experiencing
A current state of puzzlement
As to where it may be best for me to turn
Here is what I'll choose to do until clarity is mine
I'll couple up with 'wait and see' and
Rest my mind from complexity and
Simply ... Coast ... Until
Mental clarity grows so astute as to
Offer me more than a glimpse
Of that which separates
Reality, worth working toward
From fantasy so far fetched as to do naught but wear me out
In stories to come, you'll see many examples of my mind
Excavating unprocessed (repressed) emotion
That leaps out of my subconscious when a current stress
Seems similar to stress, which
My defense system had subconsciously repressed in its
Raw and thus unhealed state ...