Hello. I’m glad to report that the healing process is moving forward. And as I imagine you're eager to ‘hear’ my first story, let’s pick up where we’d left off.
In hopes of clarifying why my marriage seemed to plunge from better to worse, I chose to dive into the deep end of my mind—not once, not twice, but repeatedly. And as seeing is believing, I'm writing this blog to show you what happens each time I dive, here and there. In short, each time I reflect over the past, a little deeper than before—a school of classic insights swims straight into my ear.
As insights light up, like fireflies flitting around in the dark, I catch them in a jar—otherwise known as my mind. And as these insights swarm round and round inside my jar, they whip themselves into steadying beams of light, like sunbeams streaming down through a clear, blue sky.
Over time, as insights layer up and stream through our minds, sunbeams slice straight through dark clouds of confusion until—low and behold—bigger pictures—to which we'd been blind—emerge. In fact, let's visualize this: Whenever I sit down to blog with a bent toward clearing confusion out of my mind, each sudden burst of clarity, resembling a sunbeam streaming through a blue sky, will look like this:
During the heat of conflict our problem solving skills were nil.
You see, rather than learning how to resolve conflicts in a self controlled, lucid manner, it's classic for families to fight, freeze, or flee—repeatedly. Rather than solving lucidly, we are patterned to shut down, run away or yell right out loud. As a final result of pushing power struggles under the rug, resentment piles up, negative energy coils up, and explosive insults boil over until burning retorts leave searing scars, all around. As defensive hides thicken over time—sensations of trust, friendship, and love feel walled out of our hearts. Then one day, we awaken, feeling nothing at all ... other than dread, despair and trapped. Not a healthy way to weave lasting connections through the hopeful fabric of family friendship.
When defensive patterns control our minds, we fight, freeze, feud, flee—forever.
As a result of moving into Denialand, we shove the truth under the rug and pretend our problems don't exist. In this way does pretense allow conflicts to simmer on back burners until tension bottles up and—suddenly—corks pop.
Once repressed resentment bursts out, a wild ride through Crazyland devours all sense of logic on the spot. Then, if nothing is openly resolved, we stuff conflict into Denialand, again, and this broken record plays the phantom of the opera, infinitum. In short when conflict remains unresolved, we tip toe on egg shells while problems, festering within, grow quietly hard boiled, over time. Eventually
Defensive patterns, which layer up around the heart, are tough to peel away—on both sides.
Recently, this next insight lit up inside my head:
When a relationship feels too painful to bear, love grows angry, then numb.
Once love angers, it's fireworks time. After love burns down, scars up and grows numb, it’s anyone’s guess as to where defensive resentment—too long repressed—may explode in the form of displaced anger, next. Pretty classic stuff—or should I say painfully classic—not pretty at all.
In recent years I’ve made it my business (literally) to understand the negative impact of numbing up to explosive responses during times of conflict. When conflicts remain unresolved, families may fall prey to taking sides.
One day I made mention to a close cousin that I've come to understand how defensiveness darkens love (in spite of the fact that we believe we're busting our brains to cast sunbeams, here and there). Upon hearing what I had to say, she coaxed me to send this series of stories—where one unresolved problem creates the next—into cyberspace.
Next thing I knew, a dear niece encouraged me to push the pedal to the metal. Even so, I hemmed and hawed until readiness to bare my personal life ignited from within. So guess what readied me to scratch that match?
One night just before drifting off to sleep, I imagined each stream of insight turning into a lightsaber, which empowered my conscious mind to illuminate yet another dark spot of anger, fear, and resentment buried deep within my subconscious. As I pictured myself slaying my own defensive dragons by swinging these lightsabers, glowing with insights, around, laughter bubbled up at how corny I can be.
Then this dawned on me: We laugh at the truth. And once clarity was mine, inspiration fueled my desire to sit down and write the first post in this blog in hopes of offering you and yours warning signs, redirecting traffic away from head on collisions, which had been sadly missed by me and mine.
Next thing I knew, a sweet friend got busy setting up my website, while this simple plan shaped up inside my mind: As each story unfolds, you and I will stop to gather and assemble clues as though we're piecing a puzzle together. In this way your sense of clarity and mine, concerning love gone wrong, may deepen, simultaneously. And here is why this plan may make as much sense to you as it does to me: Along with clarity comes peace of mind, and we can all use more of that!
As one story rolls into another, I believe we'll gain insight into how quickly misperception sweeps loving relationships into the rapids with no raft in/sight. You see, when two people have no clue that they're trying to row a life raft through inner turmoil—against the rapids—they paddle in opposing directions until confusion overwhelms logic, they start paddling each other, trust slams into defensive rocks as tall as The Grand Canyon's walls and defensive outbursts smash the raft to smithereens.
As trust comes undone, friendship turns black and blue—Once. Twice.
Three times and everyone’s out! Game over! Tie score. Zero to zero. You go your way; I'll go mine. Fine! Fine! No skin off my nose! Bitch! Prick! Pretense, all around. Both blame the other for 'no fault' divorce. Change partners, start the music and dosey-doe every bit as blindly as before...
As a result of internal combustion, our rafts splinter, smash or snap in half, and while strong swimmers may eventually set their compass on the shoreline, those who insist they can swim, but just paddle in circles, have no clue as to why they remain all wet in the dark. (Perhaps with umpires or referees in the room everyone would learn to see the light, stop fighting and 'play fair'. But judging from basketball’s flagrant fouls, perhaps not.) Once my blog shines spotlights on creative problem-solving tools, you shall see why lasting love holds each person accountable for identifying and changing deeply ingrained patterns by consciously strengthening these traits: courage, humility, patience, over time. Why? Because:
In keeping with swimming out of emotional rapids and toward thoughts filled with clarity, I'd like to say this:
When defensive patterns control our minds, we fight, freeze, feud, flee—forever.
As a result of moving into Denialand, we shove the truth under the rug and pretend our problems don't exist. In this way does pretense allow conflicts to simmer on back burners until tension bottles up and—suddenly—corks pop.
Once repressed resentment bursts out, a wild ride through Crazyland devours all sense of logic on the spot. Then, if nothing is openly resolved, we stuff conflict into Denialand, again, and this broken record plays the phantom of the opera, infinitum. In short when conflict remains unresolved, we tip toe on egg shells while problems, festering within, grow quietly hard boiled, over time. Eventually
Defensive patterns, which layer up around the heart, are tough to peel away—on both sides.
Recently, this next insight lit up inside my head:
When a relationship feels too painful to bear, love grows angry, then numb.
Once love angers, it's fireworks time. After love burns down, scars up and grows numb, it’s anyone’s guess as to where defensive resentment—too long repressed—may explode in the form of displaced anger, next. Pretty classic stuff—or should I say painfully classic—not pretty at all.
In recent years I’ve made it my business (literally) to understand the negative impact of numbing up to explosive responses during times of conflict. When conflicts remain unresolved, families may fall prey to taking sides.
One day I made mention to a close cousin that I've come to understand how defensiveness darkens love (in spite of the fact that we believe we're busting our brains to cast sunbeams, here and there). Upon hearing what I had to say, she coaxed me to send this series of stories—where one unresolved problem creates the next—into cyberspace.
Next thing I knew, a dear niece encouraged me to push the pedal to the metal. Even so, I hemmed and hawed until readiness to bare my personal life ignited from within. So guess what readied me to scratch that match?
One night just before drifting off to sleep, I imagined each stream of insight turning into a lightsaber, which empowered my conscious mind to illuminate yet another dark spot of anger, fear, and resentment buried deep within my subconscious. As I pictured myself slaying my own defensive dragons by swinging these lightsabers, glowing with insights, around, laughter bubbled up at how corny I can be.
Then this dawned on me: We laugh at the truth. And once clarity was mine, inspiration fueled my desire to sit down and write the first post in this blog in hopes of offering you and yours warning signs, redirecting traffic away from head on collisions, which had been sadly missed by me and mine.
Next thing I knew, a sweet friend got busy setting up my website, while this simple plan shaped up inside my mind: As each story unfolds, you and I will stop to gather and assemble clues as though we're piecing a puzzle together. In this way your sense of clarity and mine, concerning love gone wrong, may deepen, simultaneously. And here is why this plan may make as much sense to you as it does to me: Along with clarity comes peace of mind, and we can all use more of that!
As one story rolls into another, I believe we'll gain insight into how quickly misperception sweeps loving relationships into the rapids with no raft in/sight. You see, when two people have no clue that they're trying to row a life raft through inner turmoil—against the rapids—they paddle in opposing directions until confusion overwhelms logic, they start paddling each other, trust slams into defensive rocks as tall as The Grand Canyon's walls and defensive outbursts smash the raft to smithereens.
As trust comes undone, friendship turns black and blue—Once. Twice.
Three times and everyone’s out! Game over! Tie score. Zero to zero. You go your way; I'll go mine. Fine! Fine! No skin off my nose! Bitch! Prick! Pretense, all around. Both blame the other for 'no fault' divorce. Change partners, start the music and dosey-doe every bit as blindly as before...
As a result of internal combustion, our rafts splinter, smash or snap in half, and while strong swimmers may eventually set their compass on the shoreline, those who insist they can swim, but just paddle in circles, have no clue as to why they remain all wet in the dark. (Perhaps with umpires or referees in the room everyone would learn to see the light, stop fighting and 'play fair'. But judging from basketball’s flagrant fouls, perhaps not.) Once my blog shines spotlights on creative problem-solving tools, you shall see why lasting love holds each person accountable for identifying and changing deeply ingrained patterns by consciously strengthening these traits: courage, humility, patience, over time. Why? Because:
If love is to deepen and emotional support is to be extended when 'for better or worse' gets worse (and it will) then patterns of self control must continue to develop within.
In keeping with swimming out of emotional rapids and toward thoughts filled with clarity, I'd like to say this:
Our brains are hardwired to make spontaneous judgments.
Thus, we tend to leap to wrong conclusions, which twist stories into something they're not.
As my first story is about to unfold, please keep this thought in mind: I’ve just begun to reveal essential details about my life. Therefore, the little you know is riddled with holes. So in hopes of keeping misperceptions to a minimum, you may want to reread my first post more carefully than before.
Once my stories get underway, you'll watch my brain fool me into believing that I understand what's going on in my life when, at times, I'll have had no clue. By and by, you'll come to see that a defensively focused brain, which has not been trained to differentiate between assumptions and facts, will be inclined to misread the thoughts, feelings, words, and actions of others.
Two people, who misread each other too often, may assume to be friends when in truth, they are strangers.
So let’s say that your experience, fighting with a certain loved one, has capsized in rapids so often that you no longer believe a lasting (trusting) friendship with that person is possible. Or perhaps you’re still rowing through rapids with a loved one, hoping to find shelter in which to cuddle around cozy campfires—forever. Or perhaps you're blind to the ways in which you continue to duck from confronting conflicts that just won't quit. Any way you look at it, I'm about to clarify classic ways in which defensive thought patterns fool us into 'seeing' certain friends, lovers and relatives in strange ways. And now that I feel ready to bare the most personal aspects of my life—it’s storytelling time.
The next time I pop up on your screen, we’ll jet back across the time line to those happy, rock-n-roll days of the l950’s, where a self-confident child has been waiting to welcome you into her life. And if you’re intrigued as to how a cheerful, little girl may offer insight into solving that age-old mystery of love gone wrong, well, the only clue I’ll reveal, today, is the timely title of her story: BULLY FOR ME. :-)Annie
P.S. Whenever time permits, I edit older posts. For example, today I chose to change the colors, symbolizing lightsabers, flashing across the blue sky. Why? Somehow, my original choice of colors didn't feel 'bright' enough. As you shall see, I've come to embrace the concept of 'expanding my choices' as needs be. In fact, in due time you'll see that when I'd not felt free to brainstorm and choose for myself, I'd blindly followed outdated 'rules', which had stifled my spirit's zest for life. However, once my mind opened to insights, swarming around until light sabers empowered me to free myself ... well ... quote the raven: NEVERMORE ...
Once we get the story in which my marriage breaks down you'll watch me face up to this choice:
Live inside Pandora's Box, where inner conflicts swirled round and round ... or open it up and deal with all of the furies, which I'd unknowingly locked inside ...
Thus, we tend to leap to wrong conclusions, which twist stories into something they're not.
As my first story is about to unfold, please keep this thought in mind: I’ve just begun to reveal essential details about my life. Therefore, the little you know is riddled with holes. So in hopes of keeping misperceptions to a minimum, you may want to reread my first post more carefully than before.
Once my stories get underway, you'll watch my brain fool me into believing that I understand what's going on in my life when, at times, I'll have had no clue. By and by, you'll come to see that a defensively focused brain, which has not been trained to differentiate between assumptions and facts, will be inclined to misread the thoughts, feelings, words, and actions of others.
Two people, who misread each other too often, may assume to be friends when in truth, they are strangers.
So let’s say that your experience, fighting with a certain loved one, has capsized in rapids so often that you no longer believe a lasting (trusting) friendship with that person is possible. Or perhaps you’re still rowing through rapids with a loved one, hoping to find shelter in which to cuddle around cozy campfires—forever. Or perhaps you're blind to the ways in which you continue to duck from confronting conflicts that just won't quit. Any way you look at it, I'm about to clarify classic ways in which defensive thought patterns fool us into 'seeing' certain friends, lovers and relatives in strange ways. And now that I feel ready to bare the most personal aspects of my life—it’s storytelling time.
The next time I pop up on your screen, we’ll jet back across the time line to those happy, rock-n-roll days of the l950’s, where a self-confident child has been waiting to welcome you into her life. And if you’re intrigued as to how a cheerful, little girl may offer insight into solving that age-old mystery of love gone wrong, well, the only clue I’ll reveal, today, is the timely title of her story: BULLY FOR ME. :-)Annie
P.S. Whenever time permits, I edit older posts. For example, today I chose to change the colors, symbolizing lightsabers, flashing across the blue sky. Why? Somehow, my original choice of colors didn't feel 'bright' enough. As you shall see, I've come to embrace the concept of 'expanding my choices' as needs be. In fact, in due time you'll see that when I'd not felt free to brainstorm and choose for myself, I'd blindly followed outdated 'rules', which had stifled my spirit's zest for life. However, once my mind opened to insights, swarming around until light sabers empowered me to free myself ... well ... quote the raven: NEVERMORE ...
Once we get the story in which my marriage breaks down you'll watch me face up to this choice:
Live inside Pandora's Box, where inner conflicts swirled round and round ... or open it up and deal with all of the furies, which I'd unknowingly locked inside ...
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