891 NGUOUY Part 55 FEARSOME TIMES CALL FOR COMPASSIONATE ACTS OF KINDNESS …

As David and I walk through the front door into the living room of Marie's cozy house, we can hear adults, chattering away in the back yard where children, running off their sugar high, are playing at this and that; however, the fact that the party has gone on in our absence is not what makes my lips and David's turn up into a smile.  The reason for our smiles is clearly seen on the living room couch, where three year old Tony and his little brother, Ray are curled up like a pair of kittens, who'd partied so hard as to have fallen fast asleep while the party goes on, all around them.

And that brings us to the moral of this portion of my story:
As life moves forward, there are times when opportunity offers us reason to party to exhaustion while at other times, it's all we can do to hang on tight as life's roller coaster plunges our spirits straight down, because balance suggests that, over the long run, everyone will have reason to switch from highs to lows, and thus the trick to enjoying a well lived life suggests gaining insight into when to hang on and when to let go, and most of all, it's imperative that we gain clarity into reconsidering mistakes in judgement, ensuring that we do not choose to remain stuck in a negatively focused place that stops our spirits from partaking, wholeheartedly, in experiences, which provide us with such pure and simple joy as to transport one's entire being to a higher dimension, thus freeing your soul and mine to fly so free of earthly constraint as to soar as high as the stars in the sky :)

If, upon reflection, it comes to my attention that in all good faith my best intention has made a decision that's flattened my spirit, Common sense suggests my reconsidering the reasons for having chosen a path that proves to undermine my needs.  And by choosing to dive ever more honestly into the depths of my core, I find reason to expand my comfort zones more naturally than had been possible before.  And thus does experience suggest that The Joyful Child Journal was on the mark, because joy is surely an inside job :)

Next up:  Just as I'd asked Will to perform this next compassionate act of kindness for me when my brain surgery drew near, I take it upon myself to call our nearest and dearest to save my husband from endlessly repeating the fearsome details of that which his biopies made shockingly clear to us … and making these calls, call after call, affects my spirit in an unexpected way ...

890 NGUOUY Part 54 DAVID AND I TAKE A WALK ON THE DARK SIDE …

At some point after the train had chugged down the street, empty of riders, happy birthday is being sung to Ray when I look across Marie's back yard and see David staring off into space.

As Will's mind and mine have had several days to absorb thoughts of cancer invading the safe haven of love that means everything to our family, and as Barry and Steven have each had time to converse intimately with their parents, I approach David and ask if he'd like to go for a walk to which he readily agrees.

Thought I can't recall exactly what had been said, most important had been this fact:  Intuition had recognized a loved one's need to express vulnerability openly, honestly and earnestly by conversing intimately with a person whose trust has been earned, consistently.

You see, it's become clear to me that emotion is like the tide in that it rolls in and out, and thus do I respect those moments when rolling emotions create waves of vulnerability so powerful as to bowl a person's inner strengths over, momentarily.  Having accepted the fact that unsettling times offer just cause for my emotional reactions to bowl me over, I respectfully expect the same to be natural for others, as well.  In short, life offers emotional riptides when loving support serves as the sturdiest life raft, around.

While David and I walk around the block in the charming neighborhood, where Marie and her small tykes have recently moved, my son and I release negatively charged energy, stirred by fearful angst, in a healthful manner.  And as it's become our habit to make the most of any brief moment of intimacy, David asks many of the same questions that Dr. B had answered for me.  So by the time our walk on the dark side comes full circle, my youngest son knows as much about Will's condition as do his parents and brothers.

Just before we reconnect with the guests at Ray's party, I listen to my son say:   Want to hear something really ironic, Mom—while driving down here, I was thinking that I couldn't remember the last time I'd had so much to feel happy about and then—BOOM!

After a moment of silent reflection, this train of thought floats pensively from my mouth  into David's mind:
A few days ago, while you and I were on the phone, we had reason to speak of pure joy.  I remember suggesting that we need to make the most of joyous moments and then value those memories highly, because for the most part, life offers each of us one challenge after another, and if you ask me why rising to meet each challenge is worthwhile, I'd reply a life well lived maintains control over the roller coaster by conscientiously creating as many joyful moments with loved ones as possible rather than sitting passively, watching life's opportunities pass us by in less time than it takes to blink an eye.  I remember saying that we
can't wait for others to bring joy to us, because the creation of joy 'proves to be an inside job'.  (I'd lifted that last part of the last sentence from The Joyful Child Journal in which you may find several articles that the publisher had asked me to write quite a few years back.)

I'm always amazed to note how often life offers up experiences, which prove that the arsenal of insights guiding my life is on target, most especially at those times when instinct arouses my need to inject another morsel of knowledge (passed down through the ages by countless sages) into the bright minds of my adult offspring in hopes of offering those I love a step up in life by encouraging my sons to grow aware of the silver lining awaiting discovery within every dark cloud that rains on our parade until our spirits challenge the sun to come out, tomorrow. 

As this brief moment of honest, open, familial intimacy has inspired David (and me) to fortify a sense of personal strength, my son (and I) feel ready to place dark thoughts of mortality aside at least long enough to enjoy Ray's second celebration of life, and upon walking into Marie's front door, guess what we find on her living room couch, offering us both reason to smile …   :)

889 NGUOUY Part 53 HERE IS WHAT CATALYZES RELIEF DURING WORRISOME TIMES

Riddle:
What catalyzes relief during stressful times?
During our family's most stressful experiences, relief commonly results at those times when positively focused, mutually supportive trains of thought are cycling round, as in:
Well Dad—we'll just do what our family does best—We'll love each other like crazy and help each other get to the other side of whatever this is!

See why I write about role modeling coming full circle when positive focus is injected into the minds of our young …

See why all five of us have sound reason to hold The Line of Control in such high regard, specifically when stressful situations hit shockingly hard …

On the other hand, setting a high value on developing this inner strength does not suggest that raw emotion remains indefinitely contained.  In fact, at times—as you've just seen—common sense suggests it's best to unleash raw emotion on the spot—as long as one portion of our line of control ensures that hurtful and thus regretful words do not escape from our mouths.

The fact that our family came to value the need to develop The Line of Control in the first place suggests that we all acknowledge, accept, and respect those times when raw emotion is expressed mindfully rather than supressing or repressing that which we honestly feel for so long that explosive outbursts run interference with common sense, thus delaying our family circle from gaining yardage against a mutual threat to everyone's well being.  As we work to switch fearful mindsets off in favor of resetting emotional compasses toward positive trains of thought, every brain in our family becomes well practiced at focusing wholly on brain storming, logically, toward mutually enriching solutions that consider needs and feelings, all around.  (Whew!)

The fact that I our family circle has gained insight into the wisdom of releasing raw emotion openly, honestly and respectfully during stressful times—while simultaneously employing The Line of Control—offered relief to your friend, Annie, who has spent her adult life learning, teaching, and practicing the value of expressing fear and frustration in moderation rather than falsely repressing those reactions until emotional outbursts fling blame around so indiscriminately as to make scape goats of loved ones, thus pouring salt into hearts already pierced with pain—and in order to end today's train of thought on an up note, let's picture four pairs of eyes, empowered by the spirit of love, leaving family business behind in favor of reconnecting with party guests who'd felt happily charmed while riding in cars hitched to that whimsical engine in which a jovial engineer inspired 'children' of all ages to feel as young at heart as the birthday boy himself.

If you ask:  Annie, how is it that you were able to switch tracks that fast?  I'd reply—Well, that's not always true.  However, when it is true, this is what happens:  The human brain is capable of compartmentalizing emotional reactions, suggesting that you and I can actually work at installing on and off switches, which allow us to consciously switch tracks from negatively focused reactiveness to sunny trains of thought by practicing The Line of Control, a postively focused, self discipline technique, suggesting that all humans are imperfect, meaning that not one of us is an angel as long as we're on this side of the grass.

Though The Line of Control is an amazingly simple tool with which to put self discipline into practice, consistently, no man-made tool is infallible.  And thus, this The Line of Control may best be compared to a rubber band, whose elasticity can be over-stretched to such taxing degrees that ultimately, elasticity can snap in half, causing problem-solving sessions to fly apart—because, it's not easy being human just as it's not easy for Kermit to be green …

January 2014
Did I mention that last Thursday Will and I enjoyed dinner with old friends?
Old friends whom we'd not seen in thirty years!
Upon answering the phone and hearing their voices
I felt affection bubble over as plans were made to reconnect
When our doorbell rang, and our guests walked into my embrace
Every one of those years disappeared as spontaneously as 
The love that I'd once felt for these two
Spilled out of my heart as naturally as if
We'd spent time, together, last week
You see, the kind of friendship I offer
Retains its ever-lasting value for this reason:
Love sparkles forth from deep within my core, pure and simple

When I say my love is pure
That's not to say
That the love I offer is free of defensiveness
Why not?  Because …
All humans harbor egos and all egos are defensive

When I say my love is simple
That's not to say
That the love I offer is free of confusion and complexity
Why not?  Because …
Confusion and complexity are active parts of personal growth

If you ask what I mean by loving pure and simple, I'd reply:
When I love, I work conscientiously and thus mindfully to
Offer you the best of me, pure and simple.
And as I consciously offer the best of me, consistently
The love you receive is a forever kind of love for this reason:

Rather than allowing my ego to manipulate you to meet my needs
I consciously meet my needs by
Offering kindness and generosity of spirit to you
And being that my love proves pure and simple
I can reflect over time spent together without guilt or regret

As today's train of thought reaches the end of the line
I'd like to say without a shadow of doubt that
If I ever had reason to offer you love …
I'll love you forever and—pure and simple—that's the truth :)
And if you ask how to trust that declaration
To be true, through and through
I'd reply:  Connect with me intimately
And you will see my mind working consciously
To offer loved ones the best of me
No matter what they choose to offer up in return
Why is that true?  Because …
Each time my ego wants to go toe to toe with yours
Intuition suggests it's high time to place
That little trouble maker in time out …
Thus ensuring that when I offer love or friendship—
No manipulative game playing takes place inside my head
And as it's my choice to call upon humility to place my ego in time out
Humility proves to be the inner strength that
Separates a pure and simple love, which lasts forever
From loving so defensively that separation proves inevitable
As for now, Carrie and her sweet boys are driving in from the coast
And here's our game plan:  While Carrie's boys watch football with Will
She and I plan to talk each other's ears off in another room :)
And as they're due to arrive in an hour, I need to attend to brunch …

PS
If you think to ask how I know that the deep well of love
Which flows naturally from my heart toward yours will never run dry
I'll answer by quoting Ghandi—one of many sages
Whose insights into life and love
Inspire my choices to remain on target by bending rules only enough
To ensure personal growth
And here is the insightful quote that inspires
My well of love to overflow with feelings of friendship for you:
Be the change you wish for the world
Next up:  Once we've sung a high spirited Happy Birthday to Ray
David and I take a walk on the dark side …

888 NGUOUY Part 52 LOVE IS SECURED BY RESPECTFUL SUPPORT CYCLING ROUND

July 2013
Once David regains his line of control, he takes hold of Will's shoulders, and standing strong and sturdy as a pair of deeply rooted, full grown trees, I watch both men face each other, eye to eye, while we three gain strength from our youngest son's declaration of familial unity:  Well, Dad—we'll just do what our family does best—We'll love each other like crazy and help each other get to the other side of whatever this is!

As father and son share another tight embrace, the bedroom door opens, and Marie's sister walks in.  Taking one look at our faces, Carrie, sensing serious family business, spins around and disappears, closing the door behind her.

At this, I rise from the rocker, and while wrapping my arms around Will and David, the door opens, again, and as Barry walks in, our circle of love feels complete in that we four know that Steven and Celina are with us in spirit, and as each person in our family has had reason to need and receive the free flow of mutually supportive strength that provides us all with safe haven while withstanding life's classic storms, I, respecting my need to release suppressed emotion, at last, unleash my line of control, freeing silent tears of relief to cascade down my cheeks.

January 2014
If you wonder at my conscious choice of the word 'relief' during such a worrisome time—well, when next we meet, I'll explain why tears of relief, wetting my cheeks, felt as natural as droplets of dew glistening on petals of flowers, whose faces turn up to greet the dawn of each summer's day that promises to caress every bloom in the garden with the kiss of the sun—which, will surely come out, if not today, then tomorrow—suggesting that Mother Nature proves as addicted to 'hope' as the mind of your positively focused friend, Annie :)

887 NGUOYU Part 51 IMPARTING DISTRESSING NEWS TO YOUNGEST SON …

Soon after Ray's party has begun, I, along with most of the parents and children, are coaxed from the back yard to the front lawn where excitement is building, because a bright, red train is chugging up to the curb in front of Marie's house.  While most everyone gathers around the train, I see David getting out of his car.  And as I'm the first familiar person that my youngest son spies, his face breaks into a smile, which normally delights my spirit so much that the sparkle in his eyes ignites my own—however today, while stepping into David's embrace, my heart feels pierced with pain to know that, momentarily, distressing news is sure to turn our youngest son's smile upside down …

Once David steps out of our hug, I watch his sparkle fade as fast as his intuitive mind absorbs the tremulous expression on my face, and as tension arises, vaporizing all sense of delight, David parrots his brother Steven—Mom—what's wrong?

At this, my line of control works overtime to contain waves of raw emotion, which backing up inside my throat, drown my attempt to answer my son, so taking David's hand, I lead him to where Will has been standing, watching us, and in less time than it takes to blink twice, we three have sought refuge from everyone—who's delightly claiming seats on the train—behind the closed door of Marie's bedroom where instinct suggests my deferring the role of leadership to my husband.  And by taking a seat in the rocker, I offer Will a chance to impart distressing news to David, who, upon absorbing the fact that his father has cancer finds his shield swept away as raw emotion takes a ride through the rapids, catalyzing father and son to pull each other into a man hug, which lasts until David, regaining his composure, releases his dad.

Then, before either of us can offer David comforting words of support, he switches gears, and swiping away at cheeks wet with tears, our youngest son faces his father as straight and tall as a strong, young oak, which, being deeply rooted in fertile soil, stands its ground after having weathered many a storm (patience my friends, one story at a time), and as Will and I listen to David's heartfelt declaration, emanating from deep within his sense of courage, we can't help but marvel with pride at the three, strong men our trio of rough and tumble, little boys have grown up to be—And once your mind has absorbed the strength inherent in David's heartfelt statement, catalyzed by familial devotion, you'll see why Will and I have sound reason to believe that no matter what lies ahead, we'll always have at least three incredible reasons to feel truly blessed, every day …

886 NGUOYU Part 50 IMPARTING DISTRESSING NEWS TO ELDEST SON …

July, 2013
Our plan unfolds as we'd hoped:
My plane lands at noon on Saturday.
Katie picks me up at the airport, and while spending time with this beloved friend, who has nestled in my heart since Barry brought her home, twenty-six years ago, when both were in high school, my spirit picks up, as well :)

Once Barry calls to say that he is free to be with me, Katie drops me at Marie's.

Will's plane arrives on time at 5PM.
I remain with Marie and her boys while Barry fetches his dad, who plans to impart distressing news to our eldest son while they spend one-on-one time in the car.

As father and eldest son walk into Marie's, Will and I hug.  Then when Barry's hug holds fast to me, my throat constricts, and I manage to hold tears of raw emotion in check, because we all believe it's best for Barry to impart distressing news to Marie, late Sunday afternoon, so as not to dampen anyone's spirits until after Ray's birthday party has been thoroughly enjoyed.

Soon, our interactions with three year old Tony and two year old Ray sweep the blues away as the antics of small fry tend to do.  And as little ones sense how much Will and I enjoy children, we four find too much to giggle about to dwell on thoughts that would have pulled our spirits down had we not flown to the coast to have fun with our sons …

Later that evening, Barry drives us back to his place, where we three are sprawled on our son's queen-sized bed, discussing what to expect of the immediate future.  And once again, while hugging good night, we cling to each other a bit longer than at those times when life seems to stretch beyond today into forever …

While snuggling in the guest room, Will relates his one-on-one discussion with Barry, and as my mind absorbs thoughts exchanged between father and son, raw emotion quietly tears up on my husband's shoulder, most especially when this part of their conversation—which makes my heart melt—is disclosed:

Barry is reassuring Will that if the worst scenerio comes to pass, there's one thing that his father's mind can rest easy about—Dad, you don't have to worry about Mom, because if she's alone, all three of us will take good care of her …

As emotionally spent as I am, sleep does not come for quite a while after Will has drifted off, until finally, the even nature of my husband's chest rising and falling against my back lulls my think tank to relax and I nod off …

By the time Will and I are dressed, groomed and the guest room has been straightened in the morning, Barry is already at Marie's, placing finishing touches on 'the train station' that his creative mind has magically conjured up to match Ray's party theme, which is sure to delight every small guest with this surprise:  A whimsical train, which is due to chug up to the curb soon after the party begins, will arrive fully equipped with a costumed engineer who will cheerfully transport Ray's young cousins and friends up and down one side street after another throughout Marie's neighborhood.

About half an hour before the party gets underway, Barry calls to say that he'll cover the distance between his house and Marie's in ten minutes or less, and as Will and I are ready for fun, we sit down on the living room couch, waiting eagerly until our son toots his horn.  At this, Will and I grab our things and gifts for both boys and hurry outside, where my husband offers me the front seat in Barry's SUV (thus reducing sciatic pain, which tends to increase in the back seat where leg room is less expansive).

While engaging in conversation during our ten minute ride to Marie's, I find Barry's enthusiasm about readying everything for Ray's party so contagious as to ignite my sense of joy.  And my mind and heart relax even more when I glance back at Will and see his eyes shining instead of staring off into space, lost in thoughts of mortality, as he's been wont to do, recently …

Next up, how best to impart distressing news as gently as possible to youngest son, David, who, having driven forty-five minutes between his house and Marie's, is due to arrive at Ray's second celebration of life, momentarily … 

885 NGUOYU Part 49 HOW BEST TO SOFTEN THE BLOW WHEN IMPARTING DISTRESSING NEWS

July, 2013

While taking comfort in each other's warmth neath our colorful quilt, Will and I brainstorm how best to impart distressing news to those we cherish most.  Somehow, intuition suggests it's best for leadership to build a strong support system, one by one, or two by two, or three by three, suggesting that this is one of those times when flexibility may be necessary to ensure our mutual goal of inspiring loved ones to move forward through a painful time as a healthy whole, for this reason:  Murphy's law says man's best laid plans tend to change with the direction of emotional winds …

As resorting to all-or-nothing does not seem to be a viable plan for living a well balanced life, Will and I brainstorm until we come up with a plan that blends emotion with logic, deeming this to be one of those times when two heads prove more thorough than one …

January 1, 2013

Uh, wait ... In case you're wondering why we'd put our heads together to create a plan instead of simply taking action (which is how the minds of most men have been trained to shield raw emotion), well—here's my line of reasoning: 

I've found that brainstorming toward a flexible plan of action offers a logical approach to imparting unwelcome news to loved ones at times when raw emotion may break through everyone's outer shield of composure.  I mean, let's face it:  Both genders are trained to shield vulnerability to differing degrees.

You see, shielding raw emotion does not mean that desire or distress disappears.  (Once again, every brain is trained to shield desire or distress to differing degrees.)  If you ask why raw emotion may not pour out as freely from the depths of your core as that same emotion flows naturally from my core, where basic needs are 'stored', I'd reply:  Your comfort zone,which dictates that which turns your emotional light switch on, may differ from mine, which dictates that which turns me off, and vice a versa—until such time as hindsight illuminates insight into understanding how our defensive shields cause us to wander, blindly, through dark mazes of our own making, over long.  And as I've been there, done that with loved ones for most of my life, perhaps you can see why carving out a path toward self discovery makes better sense to me than moving forward blind to the fact that your defensive shield and mine are not empowered to numb raw emotion, indefinitely …

If asked why emotions, which numb up behind our shields, are anesthetized rather than vaporized, I'd reply:  Mother Nature instructs the defense system of your brain and mine to shield us against feeling distress too painful to bare.  At times when intuition suggests sound reason to entrust our hearts into the care of another, our shields are set aside, allowing anesthetized emotion, submerged within our subconscious, to reawaken—at times, with such a jolt of deeper truth that the mere mention of a beloved name causes one's heart to constrict and miss a beat, jamming our natural flow of energy until our bodies ache with longing to fulfill deeply repressed, unmet needs.

If you ask how I know this train of thought is grabbing on to deeper truth born of insight as today's post writes itself, I'd reply:  Emotion, catalyzed by thought originating in the brain, is metabolized—felt—throughout your body and mine as pleasure or pain.

When you tune into your body and I tune into mine, our defensive shields can't fool either of us into believing that logic controls emotion when common sense suggests the opposite is true—most especially when your aching sensation or mine is clarifying this fact: The current path we are choosing may actually prove, over time, to narrow the scope of your sense of joy as well as mine—and as it's a well known fact that life is short, perhaps you may see your way clear toward seriously considering my line of reasoning, which suggests that putting two smarts heads together may wisely create simple plans of action that consider every heart concerned, rather than single-mindedly deciding to go for broke …

At this point in my current train of thought can you guess what just popped out of my mind?  The riddle concerning those times when my two most important values seem to clash, causing inner conflict to clang like discordant cymbals inside my head, and as I've named those values in various posts, I wonder if you may recall what they are?  If not, no worries, because repetition of insight is not redundant when our mutual goal is peace of mind  :)

So, without further ado, here are my two most important values, which seem to collide, painfully, inside my head:

Be true to those you love 

Be true to yourself

And as there's no time like the New Year to create insightful plans of action, which consider the well-being of hearts, all around, I'll end today's post by wishing you and yours everything you'd wish for yourselves as well as hoping that you'll consider this request more seriously than ever before:  If you have a glimmer of a clue as to how my mind processed through an emotional maze until insight shone a light upon a surprising moment of clarity whereby I came to see that both of these values are actually one and the same—comment box is always hungry to be fed :)
Oh … one more thing:  Ff you ask why my brain keeps pounding all this stuff into my keyboard, I'd honestly reply—I have no clue—unless this is my way to drop my shield in hopes of processing through the depths of repressed pain, which I honestly can't bear to feel …

July, 2013
While The Line of Control keeps fear of cancer from crackling through the dark night air, Will's sense of logic brainstorms, back and forth, with mine until this heartfelt plan of action speaks clearly, agreeably and thus peaceably to us both: