What compels me to pound thoughts about denial and self trust
Into my keyboard, again and again?
Perhaps ... the answer to that question
May be found in that secret I believe I'm hiding from
myself.
As a person, who
had need to
live in denial
(Not to be confused with a person who
visits that
altered state of mind
While moving
forward through a tragic or fearsome time)
I had trouble developing the
strength of self trust until
One fearsome secret, which had been deposited
Deep inside of my memory bank
Had been withdrawn, revealed, and recently, reconsidered
I believe more secrets resist getting naked with me
When a secret
Is trying to free
itself
From its subterranean cage
The conscious side of my mind
Gnaws anxiously away at revealing an insecurity
And thus does clarity remain smoky
And as that secret seems scary...
My ego tries to protect me
By disregarding any key that might unlock the cage
And expose a truth, which fear had pirated away
And so, matey
Knowing how hard I need to work
To peel my own defensive walls
I offer this suggestion for your consideration:
If you hope to help a loved one
To escape from the dungeon of denial
And regain a lost sense of inner peace
It may be wise to think, again
If you think you can encourage a person's
Tunnel vision to expand
By shining the brighter side
of today's reality upon the darkened view
Which causes your loved one's spirit to sag ...
Then here is why your quest
Will most likely be as full of folly
As trying to juggle balls
While standing on your head:
(Been there, done that
Till the height of my optimism
Dropped so many balls on my head
I came
close to driving
myself crazy!)
As long as a loved one remains in denial
That person will fear every word uttered
By someone who holds out a key
Which might unlock the inner sanctum
Of the subconscious, where the secret is stored
So no matter how carefully you choose your words
No portion of that person's response
Will speak a word of sense back to you
And as I've engaged in too many conversations
With minds, hiding deeper truths from themselves,
I've come to understand why developing listening skills
Empowers me to know when to stop offering
Words filled with hope to trains of thought that switch tracks
Faster than I can figure out
why so much emotional chaos is being conveyed
And thus have my sanity and I learned to carve out a new path
In hopes of connecting with minds
Which are unafraid of digging through dark tunnels
In hopes of seeing the dawning light of a
new day
Once I'd worked to develop deeper levels of listening skills
My attachment to self trust deepened, as well
And presently, when conversations switched tracks
So fast that confusion spins
my train of thought into a maze
I grew aware of how hard one must work
To clarify why a person in denial works so hard
To shy away from deeper truths
Having spent years trying to track conversations
Which tossed huge clouds of confusion into the air
That I no longer stay awake nights, puzzling through trains of thoughts
Which are disjointed, at best, and
Now that confusion does not give me reason to doubt
my ability
To clarify and comprehend what is actually being said
My sense of self trust doth NOT feel drenched in self doubt
In recent years I began to sense a second secret
Working to escape from a hot spot
Burning deep inside a pocket within
my subconscious
In recent years
I've worked to develop a sense of courage
In hopes of diving deep enough to turn that pocket inside out
In recent years
I've begun to wonder if someone signaled me to store that secret away
For a rainy day when I was too young to think for myself
In recent years
Tears began to fall without end until ... a strong feeling signaled
The possibility that 'the rainy day' might be attempting to emerge, at last
In recent years
I feel compelled to write, again and again, about tunnel vision
Denial and self doubt, drenching self trust, until mindful awareness dawns, again
Each time you read a post that moves my story forward
I am expressing details of my life that I remember, and thus
Know
Each time you read a post that philosophizes about denial, self doubt, and clarity
I am expressing my need to unlock a vital secret,which may have been
'Forgotten'
At those times when anxiety heightens for reasons,
unknown
I believe a secret may be railing against it's cage
Clamoring to set my mind free of worry—from what?
Free of what worry? I do not,
yet, know
But I do know this: Keeping secrets from oneself heightens anxiety
And thus, Denialand is not a peaceful place for anyone to
live
Thus, I've
learned to
be attentive to anxiety for this reason:
Anxiety suggests that my subconscious is holding up a sign
Signaling me to remain alert, while readiness approaches a hot spot, at last
Each time readiness steps forward by developing the
courage
To
touch a hot spot, without getting burned
Another layer of my defensive wall peels away
Each time anxiety heightens and takes my breath away
I encourage
myself to breathe deeply enough to oxygenate my brain
And once fully fueled, courage is energized to dig into pockets more deeply than before
Each time I philosophize, my strengths are readied to tunnel
Ever more deeply into dark spots of my memory bank, and thus does
My process of unearthing scary skeletons and ghosts progress, step by step
Upon collecting clues, one detail at a time
Here is what I say to my conscious mind to calm anxiety down:
Though this secret was too scary for the undeveloped mind of a child to consider
However, I've
developed the inner strengths and maturity to face that secret, today
And once that hot spot is exorcized from my mind by
conscious choice
I'll heal from trauma and restore inner peace,
throughout my mind
So no matter what that scary secret may reveal about the past
I'll focus my mind toward working to develop my sense of readiness
In hopes of moving forward toward lightening emotional pain
Which had, for unknown reasons, darkened some of my views
And by maintaining my focus, day by day, upon this path
I'll inspire the power of one to empower the sum of my strengths
To stand up, one by one, until my whole self
feels ready to say:
Whatever it is that's been deviling my sense of inner peace—
I am ready to face it! BRING IT ON!
At this point, when I am conversing with others
Whose sense of safety depends upon
Defending walls of denial to the death ...
I choose to separate my train of thought
From those which, endlessly, deny deeper truths
And now, If what I need to say is answered
With a scoff
I embrace silence while considering these facts:
Nothing stays the same
Everything that lives thinks and grows or shrinks
There is always a reason for every change that takes place
I am no longer in the dark about my need to separate
From interactions that swept my sense of clarity
Into a maze, where head on collisions are bound to
Leave casualties lying, wounded, all around
And just as others may feel the need to
Keeping their walls of denial intact ...
I have reason to separate
And work at taking my defensive walls down
I've come to see that ferreting out fearsome secrets
Which I no longer want to keep from myself
Is work enough for me
And thus, when others choose to
Turn a blind eye to a key
Which might solve an on-going mystery ...
Well, my friends, to remain in the dark with the past
Or to work to see the dawning light of a brighter day
Is a choice we must each make for ourselves
As for me
I'll not work at the folly of trying to unlock
A secret fear that is
not my own
Instead, I'll continue to post about denial, clarity and self trust
In hopes of freeing my conscious mind to quest toward
Inner peace by developing awareness, concerning deeper truths
By the way, upon rereading a post such as this
My clarity expands
And I embrace the sanity, which encourages me
To focus on my chosen path
Expecially at those times when
My mind has had reason to connect with a conversation
That makes as much sense as
Juggling balls while standing on my head
Guess we might say that
The process of writing these posts
Offers my spirit a nice, hot sip of chicken soup ...
Guess we might say that
The process of writing these posts
Clears the buzz that fuzzy-ups my head
Guess we might say that ...
In the past, my mind connected with disjointed trains of thought
Which switched tracks, so fast, that my brain ached
From spinning round inside my head ...
Until the smile in my spirit couldn't help but turn upside down
Guess we might say that
Most of us are deviled
by something ... so
The truth suggests that we're in denia
l about
Some
secret that we feel the need
To keep from ourselves
And thus do I disengage from conversation
So quick to switch tracks that no train of thought
Pulls into a station where baggage is unpacked
And as long as that train needs to play switcheroo
I'll keep any key, which might clear smoky cofusion from the air
Inside my mind until another person's
attitude
Holds up a sign, signaling readiness to consider that key
Which might close in on unlocking a hot spot
Where a deeper truth burns fearsomely to be free
As denial consistently plays the game of
'Come Here Go Away'
I'll silence my voice ...
No matter how much I long to minister words of healing ...
Until attitudes fuels by fear stop pushing me, defensively, away
And thus have I gleaned the sense to close my mouth
And let silence speak louder than gentle, loving words
Which had failed, repeatedly
And if you take issue with my choice of silence
I hope you'll consider this train of thought:
Though hope springs eternal
I'll wait patiently to receive a sign of readiness
And once readiness signals, my mouth may open
And keys may spill out, all over the place!
You see, as long as two people
Are on this side of the grass
My attachment to hope will
Connects with attitudes like:
TTA and NGU
Meaning:
Try, try again
And
Never Give Up
As always
I'd love to know if
you think today's train of thought makes sense
I'd love to know if you don't
I'd love to know if you've
grown sick of me repeating myself!
In fact, you'd tickle my fancy
By unlocking whatever you think
When you consider trains of thought
That chug along from post to post, day after day
And that's the truth!
JAnnie
