Monday, May 30, 2022

SO MUCH DO I APPRECIATE, TODAY

 Today, I fully appreciate my physical comfort, feeling free of pain

Today, I fully appreciate the fact that my accumulation of knowledge grows, naturally gleaned from one good book after another

Today, I fully appreciate my ability to express my inner most, heartfelt thoughts, aloud and with pen in hand

And if we save best for last then—

Today, I fully appreciate my spirit rejoicing each time the best family and steadfast friends that I could ever hope to love as thoroughly as I do take me by the hand, stimulating my heart to smile as happy memories of time enjoyed together dance through my mind

Today, when Ravi comes to play, she and I have a spa day planned, as Tina offered to open the shop so Ravi and I can both enjoy a manicure, shampoo and blow dry (in readiness for tomorrow’s surgery)

Being that a spa day does not appeal to Tony and Ray, I hope both of you feel every hug and kiss sent to each of you, daily, from Gramma Annie XO

As to reverence for Memorial Day, my heartfelt thoughts concerning all who gave their lives to ensure your freedoms and nine were clearly expressed in the post published, yesterday.

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie

Sunday, May 29, 2022

I FEEL EVER MORE APPRECIATIVE

 As we approach

Monday, the day preceding

My out patient surgery

My mind imagines

My tumor being

Exposed and removed

Let’s hope this surgery

Goes as planned, suggesting

Nothing of an unexpected nature

To be found at hand, being that

No one really knows what

May be lurking inside until

That which can be seen with

The naked eye has been

Clearly exposed with

Pathology to follow

And at this point in time

 It seems highly appropriate to

Send the word ‘enjoy’ on sabbatical

In favor of ‘appreciating’

Each day until

I can say that

My surgery went well

And on that

Hopeful note

I’ll end for today by

Expressing

My heartfelt gratitude

To every serviceman and woman

Who made the ultimate sacrifice

So that we, who have

The good fortune of

Living in the land of the free

Can continue to respect and uphold

The rights of every

Man, woman and child who calls

 The USA, home sweet home

(And thus, whenever it comes time

To vote, let’s keep

Our Democratic principles

Uppermost in our minds)

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️πŸ‡ΊπŸ‡ΈAnnie


Friday, May 27, 2022

I GET ALONG WITH A LITTLE HELP

 Tis only fair to say that

Each time I’m aware of

Anxiety beginning to flare

With surgery drawing near

It’s been my choice to

Calm my mind with

A little help from

An Ativan, which proves to

Restore my well balanced

Sense of equilibrium throughout

The rest of the day, and thus

Am I thankful for

Tbis medication that restores

My sense of self control when

Reality threatens to overwhelm

My decision to maintain

A bold hold over

My enjoyment of

Every single day

😘Annie

Thursday, May 26, 2022

A BURST OF REALITY

Today, a burst of reality washed over me as scheduling called to set up a series of pre-op appointments:

Blood test on Friday

COVID test on Sunday

Memorial Day on Monday

Surgery on Tuesday

Chemo is still up in the air, where

I’d like to let it be, not having

A clue as to what it will do to me

We just returned home from

 A session of PT, which

I enjoy, and if you ask why

I’d reply—

My therapist proves quite personable

And my engagement with

Physical activity feels

Proactive in that

I hope to approach this

Current stage of

My health feeling as well as

Can be expected of

A person who remains

Determined to enjoy

Each day as it comes for

As long as I can hitch

My spirit to whatever

Blessing comes my way as

I remind myself to

Live—day by day

So—Today’s burst of reality

May have spun

My peaceful sense of calm

Out of control for

A moment until

My anxiety was voiced to

Will while

Sitting on his lap

Arms around his neck

Listening to him reply:

“Annie, we’re not making

Any assumptions

We’re taking

One day at a time, so

Other than anxiety

Is your day going well?”

“Yes.  And I’m reading a page turner

So thank you, Will, for reminding me

To toss apprehension to the way side in

Favor of being aware of

My appreciation for

Yet another—very good day … “

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie



Wednesday, May 25, 2022

HOPE IS AN ATTITUDE

 I’ve been holding my breath

While holding my breath

I find it hard to think, so

Rather than writing

My days have been spent reading

A gripping novel concerning

Children, Hope and The Holocaust

“books … were passageways to other worlds, other realities, other lives one could imagine living. But in times like these, was it dangerous to dream unrealistic dreams?”

“I know it’s sometimes hard to believe the best. Isn’t it better than believing the worst, though?”

. “I prefer to have hope anyhow,” the girl concluded,”

“Otherwise, things become too frightening, and it’s hard to go on.”

“Then you must know that even when things seem darkest, there is hope.”

Excerpts From

The Book of Lost Names by Kristin Harmel

My appointment with my surgeon is at noon

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie


Monday, May 23, 2022

OUR LIVES ARE PEOPLED WITH LOVE

This morning

I awoke feeling grateful for Will, who is in

Our kitchen, preparing my breakfast

I feel grateful for my dear friend, Andi

Without whom

Will’s birthday celebration could not

Have taken place, as she so naturally

Assumes my place in the kitchen each time

Our intimate group comes together to

Enjoy our love for one another

I feel grateful for all of 

The heartwarming calls that

Will received from

Family and friends, both

Near and far, each of which letting

My beloved husband know

How deeply loved

Respected and appreciated 

He is to so many across the nation

Life is good

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie

I feel grateful to have just received

A call from Mayo informing us of

My appointment scheduled with

My thoracic surgeon

This Wednesday at noon

Sunday, May 22, 2022

HAPPY EIGHTIETH BIRTHDAY❤️πŸŽ‚πŸ₯‚

 When I said I’d enjoy every day

To the fullest of my ability

Did I mention my plan to

Build in room for

Serious contemplation

Concerning my need

To cocoon so as to reflect over

Times past as well as

Projecting how best to enjoy

Interacting with loved ones as

Naturally as possible during

Up-coming moments of

Communal pleasure that

We’ll surely feel blessed to

Enjoy, all together as will be

Exemplified, today, when

Steven, Celina, Ravi, Lupe, Andi, Mike and I

(My niece, Jess, doesn’t feel up to it)

Honor Will’s 80th birthday with

A spaghetti, meatball and

Mediterranean chop salad dinner

Ordered in from a favorite

Italian eatery, close by, and then

For dessert, a family favorite—

Double layered chocolate birthday cake

Frosted with fudge icing—plenty of

Butter cream flowers to go around—

An intimate celebration (due to

COVID and my illness) which

Will expand to include all of our

Offspring as we plan to

Gather together, inclusive of

Our West coast crew, in

Celebration of

Will’s 80th birthday, yet again

Once school is out in June

Happy birthday, Will!

I love you with all my heart 

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️πŸ₯°πŸŽ‚πŸ₯‚Annie



Where was Ray when the family photo above was taken?  Being a child, he was having ‘a moment’.



Saturday, May 21, 2022

DREAMS AND NIGHTMARES

 Over these past few days, my dreams have been a jumble of situations that would never take place in real life. Most involve family.  One highlights my romantic pairing with a dear friend, whose ex-wife is one of my closest friends.

And then, I awaken to find a nightmare awaiting to flatten my spirit with thoughts of heading straight toward a wall made up of surgery and chemo, so my spirit, surging upward as would any winged creature, soars right over that wall so as to land all of me, safely, in Tomorrowland, where I see myself embracing Will’s 80th birthday celebration with family and friends, whose desert dwellings are close to our own—an intimate party of seven due to Covid surging and the lingering nature of my illness.

BTY each time I play the heroine in my dreams (which is always), I am forever young, my hair brunette and shoulder-length.  I am healthy and fully charged to lend a hand to anyone in need.  In short, while dreaming, I am not a damsel in distress but rather a heroic character to whom others turn to right a wrong so that a fair sense of justice saves the day—and having absorbed that ‘can do’ attitude into my core, I awaken feeling grateful for my ability to face reality with my strong shield of positive focus protecting my spirit from collapse, every day …

Though it’s comforting to be wished sweet dreams, it’s a rarity for a dream to depict a picnic—that’s not what dreams are for …

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie

Friday, May 20, 2022

REELING WITH FEELING

 As we just received

Results from

Yesterday’s ultrasound/biopsy

My mind is reeling, feeling

Much more relieved than

I’d thought to be as

I’d had a bad feeling

Concerning

The nodule in

My neck until

We learned that

It’s benign

And thus do I feel

Deeply grateful for having

Received that

Slice of good news

Today, rather than

Having to hold

My breath until

Monday, and

As my surgeon will be

Out of the office till

Tuesday, we’re thinking that

The next steps will be

Scheduling

The surgical removal of

The malignant tumor in

My left flank followed by

Chemotherapy as had been

Discussed previous to

Yesterday’s ultrasound/biopsy

And with that said

Let’s hope

The weekend ahead

Offers your head

Reason to relax

While

Mine does the same

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie


Thursday, May 19, 2022

FIVE REASONS TO FEEL GRATEFUL, TODAY

 Five reasons for which I feel grateful, retrospectively:

Physical therapy with Karina, last Tuesday.

Dinner with Andi and Michael. that same evening

So much fun with Ravi on Wednesday, after school

The fact that Steven stays for dinner when he picks up Ravi at our house on Wednesdays

During today’s ultrasound, I said—I can see my baby’s heartbeat and thus did I enjoy a good laugh in tandem with the staff

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie

Currently, I feel grateful to be resting, quietly, at home.


Wednesday, May 18, 2022

SPEEDY DELIVERY

On Monday, early morning, David drove back to the coast while I spent the entire day reading to keep my mind from wandering toward whatever unknown lies directly ahead ...

On Tuesday morning, I had PT.  As Mayo has small gardens planted, here and there, around the medical complex, my therapist, Katrina and I walked from one to another, keeping to shaded areas, as the daytime temperature in the desert, during the month of May, is known to rise toward 100 degrees.  

Hair and nails followed  that same afternoon (being that I’ll most likely be instructed not to wash my hair after the nodule in my neck is biopsied, later in the week).

Tuesday evening, we enjoyed dinner with Andi and Michael.

A full day, and with that said.

I am grateful for

Having enjoyed

A whole day out of bed

I’m grateful for David’s

Arrival home—

Safe and sound—and

It just came to me that

It’s actually been

Two and a half years

Since I’ve been inside

A store, and yet

We always have

Everything

We need

So today

I am grateful for

Speedy delivery via 

Amazon Prime as well as

For our good fortune to

Fetch Ravi from school as is

True every

Wednesday afternoon 

 and

Thank goodness

Tomorrow is Thursday

Finally

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie

Need I say that family and friends are never taken for granted, that each of you always stands far atop whatever is added to my list of gratitudes.

Tuesday, May 17, 2022

A NEW AWARENESS, EVERY DAY

If you think

It’s easy

To buoy

My spirit

And calm

My mind

While

Patiently

Awaiting

Thursday’s biopsy

I respectfully

Request that

You think, again

As a matter of fact

I’ve just charged

Myself with

Becoming aware

Every day, of

Something for which

To feel grateful that

I’ve not yet

Thought to

Consciously process

In hopes of

Recharging

My spirit

Upon awakening

Every morning

And as to

Thursday’s

Biopsy—

Please

Let it go well

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie

Monday, May 16, 2022

DETAILED FACTS VS BREAD AND BUTTER

Steven came to watch last night’s bbl blowout with Will, David and yours truly.  Since this is a school night, we were happily surprised when Ravi bounced merrily over the threshold of our front door

Being a bright child, Ravi chose certain toys to carry into the living room, so her Uncle David could glance up at the TV while his imagination engaged with hers—and actually, while playing with Ravi, David was saved a lot of frustration as tonight’s loss has literally gone down in history as our team’s most humiliating effort, ever!  Like Humpty Dumpty, they totally fell apart and could not get it together—at all.

Unfortunately, I received an email saying that the next 8 week series of my Zoom Shakespeare discussion group (scheduled to begin this coming Friday) has been cancelled due to health issues on the part of our instructor.  We were eager to study, discuss and watch The Bard’s play of Richard III.

We all hope that whatever is ailing Paul is not serious.

On an up note, one of my Zoom friends in the class, Andrea, recommended a novel invested with factual details presenting the life of King Richard III in a brand new light.  And so, in readiness for our Shakespeare class, I’d ordered a copy of that historical novel from iBooks, the title of which is:  The Sunne in Spleandour
The author is Sharon Kay Penman.
Yup—the same researcher who’d penned the page-turning series mentioned in yesterday’s post.

As Penman’s detailed version of Richard’s life is enriched with little known or overlooked facts (history is written by the victors)—and as Shakespeare’s plays were penned and produced during the  1600’s while Queen Elizabeth I reigned supreme, his depiction of Richard’s cold hearted evil machinations would have been politically correct, thus endearing the playrite to his Queen, ensuring the seats in his theater being filled with titled lords and their tightly corseted, wisp-waisted ladies favored by their monarch (and cleverly did The Bard pack his plays with bawdy barbs, thus packing in the ‘cockneyed’ class, welcomed to hover so close to the stage as to remain separated from seated gentry—of course).

Believe me when I say that by the end of each performance, The Bard had made certain that words he’d penned had pleased high society, lower classes and no one more than the Queen, being that Shakespeare’s plays had translated into his family’s bread and butter.

As to the cancellation of Richard III, we’ll certainly miss the fun of studying Shakespeare in the relaxed atmosphere created by our instructor.  Our last play was Measure For Measure.  Here I am as Isabel, a virginal novice, and my friend, Chuck, who plays my brother, Claudio, wearing jail garb as he’s been condemned to death for ‘fornicating’ with his pregnant fiancΓ©e before they were wed.  Claudio has been sentenced by the ‘pious’ magistrate whose lust to bed Isabel (while she pleads for her brother’s life) ignores the fact that this man of Justice is threatening to have his way with an innocent nun—suggestive of the fact that insight into human hypocrisy (which continues to prove classic, universal and timeless), has been one of Shakespeare’s greatest gifts to his patrons for more than four hundred years.

As you can see, the cancellation of our Shakespearean studies is a huge disappointment, all around.


Thank goodness, I’d followed up on Andrea’s recommendation of Penman’s series of well researched historical fiction so as to enjoy and consider this author’s rendition of historical characters, whose impassioned need for power reflects the same unrest  and miscarriage of Justice that persists throughout our world, today.
πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie

Saturday, May 14, 2022

WAITING NECESSITATES PATIENCE

 As my ultrasound/biopsy is

Not Scheduled until

This coming Thursday

Thank goodness

Our spirits remain strong so as to

Muster the patience needed to

Enjoy one day at a time to

The best of our ability—

Because to live in

An anxious state of

Despair is

Such a waste of

Precious time with

Those I love

(When the going

Gets rough

Some things

Bear repeating to

Oneself)

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie

Friday, May 13, 2022

L’CHAIM!

Being that

Life is much more

Complicated than

Anyone can fathom

 Here’s what we know so far:

Much to our shocked reaction

My most recent PET scan

And chest CT offered us

Unwelcome information

I have a new tumor in my left flank

And four nodules of unknown origin

Two in my chest cavity

Two in my neck

My case was presented at

Mayo’s tumor conference and

As a result of these findings

Here is how we will proceed:

An ultrasound/biopsy of

One of the neck nodules is

Scheduled for this coming

Thursday (unless

A cancellation

Sees me having

The procedure, sooner)

If the nodule is benign

Surgery to remove

The new tumor will be

Scheduled followed by

Chemotherapy in

Hopes of prolonging

My longevity

If the nodule is

Malignant

We’ll go straight to

Chemotherapy

Though this news is

Devastating

We’ve kicked despair

To Timbuktu in favor of

Feeling grateful that

Our spirits are strong while

Our minds work toward

Absorbing

The inherent wisdom of

Enjoying one day at a time to

The best of our ability—

Because to live in

A state of despair is

Such a waste of

Precious time with

Those I love

And thus do

I proclaim

L’Chaim!  To life!

As always

I’ll keep you ‘posted’

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie



Thursday, May 12, 2022

BALANCE IN ALL THINGS

While my defense system’s

Bubble of numbness protects

My spirit from collapse

I feel cheerful

More often than not

Because

A cheerful state of mind

Has been

My modus operand over

Most of my life, and

That’s especially

True whenever

The going gets rough

However, if you ask

How long will

This cheerful demeanor

Prevail?  I’d reply—I have

No conscious clue, though

My power of intuition

Suggests that

Something is

Bound to happen that

Will pop the bubble, which

Safeguards me

Temporarily, from

Falling into the state of

Emotional pain that

Awaits to claim me

Once

I am able to

Land on my feet

Feeling

More grounded in

Personal strengths than

Ever before

And thus do we see

My processor devising

A plan in which

Despair is cast

To Timbuktu in

Favor of my sense of

Wholeness withstanding

The inevitability of

The emotional reaction that

Will surely emerge from

Within the depths of

My core after

I’ve mustered

The courage to

Balance

The cruel reality that

 Will be mine to

Bear, bolstered by

An abundance of

Loving support with which

My strength of

Spirit has truly been blessed

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie

Still awaiting

A call from

My surgeon and

Oncologist concerning

My case, scheduled for

Presentation at

This week’s

Tumor conference 

 

Wednesday, May 11, 2022

A CLOUDED STATE OF NUMBNESS

 In case you think me

Unnaturally

Matter-of-fact about

The pathology report of

Last Thursday’s biopsy

It’s my belief that

My defense system has

Numbed my

Emotional reactiveness until

My power of intuition

Believes my processor

Ready to absorb

Yesterday’s unwelcome

Information without

Drowning my spirit in

Abject devastation

So just as this

Clouded sense of

Numbness is not denial

Neither must

My current state of

Numbness be

Mistaken for courage

πŸ‘©πŸ»Annie

Thank goodness

Ravi is

Coming to play

Today


Tuesday, May 10, 2022

PATHOLOGY REPORT

 So—

As long as I don’t talk about ‘it’

Or write about ‘it’

 ‘It’ remains much more

Surreal than real

The ‘it’ I’m referring to is

The pathology report that

Stunned our family

(And my doctors) into

A numbed state of disbelief

And speaking for myself

I’ve not yet processed

Yesterday’s news concerning

The fact that the small mass

Seen on last week’s PET scan is

A cancerous tumor situated

Subcutaneously on

The left flank of my body (which is

No where near my right lung, which

Nine months ago, was

Surgically removed

And so, dear friends, here is

All I can tell you, right now:

Though my mind is clouded

My spirit remains buoyed by

This awareness—

I plan to enjoy whatever time

I have left with

Beloved family and

Treasured friends to

The best of my ability

I think you’d also like

To know that

My case will be presented at

Mayo’s tumor conference, tomorrow

After which, my oncologist and surgeon

Will discuss a strategic plan in hopes of

Prolonging my love of life for

As long as is humanly possible

As always, I’ll keep you apprised of

Whatever happens, next

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie

Sunday, May 8, 2022

AWAITING MONDAY

 Man plans and God laughs

That’s what we say

When plans don’t go our way

Which was true

Yesterday and

Today, which

As you know, is

Mother’s Day

On Saturday

David drove in from

The coast, arriving

Safe and sound

As planned

However

Our plan for

Fun in the sun

Fell apart after

Steven dropped off

Ravi, who declared

She’d like to

Sleep for

A hundred years

Seriously—

What seven year old

Says something

Like that on

The day that

A favorite uncle has

Arrived in town and is

Ready to play?

A seven year old with

A fever, no less

And as Steven was

Attending

A memorial service

We snuggled Ravi up

Under the comforter in

Our king sized bed where

Good as her word

She fell right to sleep

And as Ravi was

Still under

The weather, today

Our plan for

Mother’s Day

Changed, as well

Since Steven only

Stopped by for

A short spell as

Ravi was not

Happy at having to

Remain at home so

After Steven left

Our home

Will, David and I

Decided to

Enjoy dinner at

A favorite restaurant

Thus keeping

We three happily

Occupied so as

Not to have

Too much

Down time after

FaceTiming with

Barry’s family

Being that tomorrow

We expect to

Receive

The pathologist’s report

Concerning

Last Thursday’s

Ultrasound/biopsy, so—

With hopes that

Your Mother’s Day

Has been both

Happy and healthy

Let’s say

Good luck

Good night

Sleep tight

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie



Saturday, May 7, 2022

AND WE WAIT …

 Though positive focus

 Continues to buoy

My strong sense of hope

I’ll not say

My head space feels

Utterly peaceful, today

As to my spirit

Tis my good fortune that

David is driving in from the coast

And Ravi is coming to play

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️😊Annie



Friday, May 6, 2022

YESTERDAY’S ULTRASOUND

 If nothing had shown up on yesterday’s ultrasound then a biopsy would not have been necessary, because it’s impossible to biopsy nothing.

If nothing had shown up on yesterday’s ultrasound then the uptake of radioactive dye, creating a hot spot of concern on my PET scan, would have been due to a pocket in the soft tissue that offered naught to worry about.

As the ultrasound technician did see something of concern so obvious as to have been visible to me, she called in the interventionist radiologist (and Will) while I steeled myself for bad news.

Upon examining my ultrasound images, which clearly showed a small subcutaneous mass on my left flank (my right lung having been removed), I’d believed the radiologist’s diagnosis would lean heavily toward metastases, and thus was I giddily relieved to hear this specialist, who views countless ultrasound images, say, “This looks like a sebaceous cyst to me, but we’ll biopsy it in order to be certain.”

A sebaceous cyst— 

Who woulda thought!

Oh—please let it be!

At least we’ve received

A welcome reprieve

So as to truly celebrate

Mother’s Day with

Family and friends

Feeling as though

We’d all dodged a bullet

Though

We’ll not really

Breathe easy till

The pathology report

Has been read and received

Most likely on Monday

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie

😊Whew!

Thank goodness for

A surprise as sweet as

The possibility of

Nothing more than

A sebaceous cyst

Wednesday, May 4, 2022

IT’S SOMETHING OR NOTHING?

 This afternoon with

Ravi was so much

Fun that

Tomorrow’s

Ultrasound/biopsy

Did not

Come to mind

Even once!

This child is really

Good for me!

Hopefully

We’ll enjoy

Many more birthdays

Together

In the years to come

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️😊Annie

Tuesday, May 3, 2022

LET’S SAVE THE GOOD NEWS FOR LAST

 Good news and bad news. Let’s save the good news for last.

My surgeon and oncologist agree that a shadow seen on my most recent PET scan is in need of investigation.  So, an ultrasound has been ordered, and if the ultrasound cannot put a name to this shadow then a biopsy will be performed while I’m still on the table.


It’s going to be nothing or it’s going to be something.


Not the news I was hoping to receive or pass on.


My most recent Chest CT and PET scan will be presented, next week, for review at Mayo’s tumor conference.


As to the good news, my thoracic surgeon (who is aggressive—not  a wait-and-see person) is of the opinion that leans toward this ‘shadow’ not being malignant.


As for me, I’m feeling conflicted though my positive attitude is definitely voting in favor of my surgeon’s optimistic opinion unless the ultrasound proves otherwise.

On an up note, my physical therapist, Katrina, is very encouraged by my percentages as she continues to administer tests, which will offer us a baseline concerning my balance and endurance.  As of now, I’m not at risk of falling.


My ultrasound is scheduled for this coming Thursday.  Happily, Ravi will be with us on Wednesday, and thus will our minds be occupied with magical thoughts.


πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie

Monday, May 2, 2022

RADIOLOGY RESULTS, TODAY

 This morning will see

Me holding Will’s hand as

We sit, side by side, while

 Discussing radiology results with

My oncologist and

Thoracic surgeon followed by

My appointment for

Physical therapy at Mayo

So please—all positive thoughts

Wishing me well—literally

Physically

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie

Sunday, May 1, 2022

CHEST CT SCAN

 It’s no wonder that

My storyteller has been

On hiatus while most of

My brain space has been

Quietly focusing upon

The here and now concerning

How best to create a memorable

Seder (while considering

My lack of energy) for beloved family

And treasured friends

After which you and I have watched

My brain space peacefully awaiting

Radiology results that will

Declare me cancer-free or

Not

πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️Annie