281 SO WHERE WAS I IN MY STORY ... OH YES ...

  As TWINKLE TWINKLE Part 9 was posted a while back, I've decided to reprint it, here, because we're getting closer to the station where Part 10 has been awaiting our arrival, and when this story was originally written, both parts comprised one train of thought...

As Jennie and Jack walk through the foyer at the bottom of the stairwell, Jack glances into their mail box. “It’s probably all bills,” he quips. “They can wait till tomorrow.  I don’t want anything to dampen my mood for the surprise I've planned for you, tonight.”  Then, sharing a smile with his best girl, Jack opens the front door and follows his sweetheart outside.

Though the weather is damp and cloudy, it’s a glorious moment for a young man to pause on the cement stoop and inhale his joyful anticipation of celebrating with his favorite girl.  Since Jennie shies from showing public affection, while Jack exposes a kaleidoscope of emotions, he’s likely to grab her round the waist, pull her close and laugh aloud at her attempts to charm him into revealing the surprise that he’s planned for their evening.

Ah yes!  The air is crisp.  Love fills the air.  And the sun shines so brightly within my parents’ hearts that clouds seemingly disappear. All in all, LIFE is beautiful when the pair jump into their car.

While turning onto a major thoroughfare, Jack turns to Jennie and says, “Honey, someday soon, I’m going to teach you to drive.”  Jennie answers with a sweet smile—which Jack accepts as acquiescence.

Mortals aren’t equipped with x-ray vision.  So Jack misses Jennie’s quiet resistance to his declaration to teach her to drive.

Though most instincts are innate, others are acquired.  As experience has taught Jennie that her impassioned Jack is not a patient teacher, she senses the probability of challenge arising.

When instinct alerts Jennie to possible conflict, she's learned to protect herself by way of woman’s wiles.  And in this case, Jennie’s instinct NOT to be taught to drive by Jack is right on the mark.  (I can state that as a fact, because when I got behind the wheel in an empty parking lot—guess who taught me?)  J

280 LET'S LAUGH AT THE TRUTH—AGAIN!

Post 270 LAUGHING AT THE TRUTH was rewritten, today, Sept. 29, 2011.

While rereading post 270, my mind began to edit, and a simple, two-step plan for resolving inner conflict emerged, which you may consider worth reading!
J

279 FOUR PILLARS WERE INTRODUCED IN POST 55 (MAY 16, 2011)

If you'd like to review the post in which THE FOUR PILLARS OF FRIENDSHIP (AND STRENGTH) were introduced, please check back to Post 55, written May 16, 2011.

278 DOES HODA KOTB'S ARTICLE SPEAK TO YOU AS IT DID TO ME?

Hoda Kotb of NBC's Today TV show writes in today's USA Weekend Magazine—and I quote:

"I never saw it coming."  [Cancer and divorce.]

Hoda was on a plane when a conversation with her seat mate changed her life.  She quotes him as having said:

"Breast cancer is part of you, like getting married or working at NBC.  You can put stuff deep in your pockets and take it to your grave or you can help somebody.  Don't hog your journey; it's not just for you."

Hoda goes on:

"Getting sick and divorced was probably the worst chapter of my life.  I never would have imagined that the best chapter was [coming up] ... Life is like that.  One day it's great, the next it's terrible, and the day after you're in love and on top, saying, 'It's great again.'"

The article then explains 'tackling adversity, Hoda style':

"Surround yourself ... with people who fill you up ... don't hog your journey; share it to help others ... allow yourself dark days to stay under the covers watching Law & Order reruns and eating junk food."

One of my dear friends, a breast cancer survivor, dived into yoga and old movies while healing.  Another healed by diving into her work.  When I need to heal, I dive into the dark side of my mind in hopes of cleansing my closet of baggage.  And low and behold, each time I dive,  insights, which lighten my load, float to the surface of conscious awareness, and my spirit brightens.

While teaching at the college, I shared insights into taming mayhem and resolving conflicts by telling stories about raising my family.  Today, my focus has expanded to include each stage of life that I've experienced, thus far.  At the outset of 'my life story', I was ten.  Then twelve.  Now, we'll take a flying leap back to three.  Why jet back and forth across the time line?

As additional details expand that which we think to know, a deeper understanding of ripple effects develops for the reader and this author, as well.

For example, once you get to know me at three, you'll understand why I told no one about being bullied at ten.  And if insights emerge as this story unfolds, it's likely that our understanding, concerning why some children open up and ask for guidance while others stuff their baggage inside, will deepen.

So thank you Hoda, for sharing your personal experience as well as your seat mate's perceptions—thus validating my dedication to writing this blog.

You see, it's impossible to heal until we know the deeper reason for our pain, so presently, I want to know why I feel a sense of dread, each time I sit down to fill in the details of this story.  So why do I persist?

While making my way through the process of uncloaking another spot of subconscious pain, my vision of the future moves past surviving, because my spirit 'knows' the joys of thriving—and that's where I'm headed, again. J

  

277 LET'S TUNNEL BACK A BIT FOR THE SAKE OF CLARITY

As
Post # 262 TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR  #9
Was published a while ago
You may want to review it
In order to ensure
That my reasons for writing
TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR  #10
Become crystal clear

As
You may recall
My blog will move back and forth across the time line of my life
In order to showcase specific examples of how relationships grow complex
When our perceptions remain off track, over long
Unfortunately, instead of learning to identify misperceptions
Which intensify confusion, all around
All too many worker bees remain blindly divided until the honey dries up

On
The other hand
In hives where worker bees choose to open their eyes, ears and minds, all around
Misperceptions clarify

Complications simplify

Conflicts are resolved

And as a result of learning to support each other in positive ways

The honey produced in these hives tastes sweeter than ever before

PS

Love stories with happy endings are filled with ups and downs—

And ups outnumber downs when insight conquers subconscious fears, which
Tend to knock courageous moments of intimacy on its ear

If you'd like to turn love gone wrong around
Then please remember this:
Opposites attract for good reason, and

Tis wise to reconsider which role you've taken as your own:
The cock-eyed optimist or the closet pessimist

As you shall see ...
Balance in all things proves vital when
Friendship and love are in need of reconditioning

276 AHA! MOMENTS RELIEVE INNER CONFLICTS ...

It can be difficult to tell what's more disturbing to your sense of peace:

Conflict with another person

or

Conflict within yourself—concerning what to do once you see how unhealthy a relationship has become.

If you are emerging from denial but others are not, here is what results:

Your patterns process through phases of change while theirs remain unchanged

As it's common for change to advance one painful step at a time, monumental changes take t-i-m-e

If change creates confusion
Which escalates into mayhem

Conflicts may deepen until you—

Can't live with'em

Can't live without'em

Change is classic to all relationships, because—

Love is like that

And

Old habits die hard

And

Habits form patterns

And

If I feel a compelling need to change my pattern

While you can't see any need to change yours

Then our puzzle pieces can't fit together

As securely as they had in the past

As it's natural for friendships and love relationships

To advance through this s-l-o-w process of change
The pain we each feel is classic
Because personal growth takes place at every stage of life:

Babies develop into 'terrible twos'

Children develop into moody teens

Teens develop into beginner adults

Some beginner adults mature in certain areas

Some beginner adults mature in other areas

Couples marry and various life styles and values try to merge
Parents age

In short no one leaves childhood unscathed
And as maturity does not occur in ABC order

Individuals do not mature, simultaneously, in every aspect of life

As some will experience one frustration while others experience another

One individual may be busy learning certain lessons

While another person is paying mind to others

So rather than putting down each other's flaws

We'd each fare better by choosing to open our eyes, ears and minds

And take note of each other's strengths

Once we learn to work side by side, compassionately

We'll glean insight from each other, eagerly, rather than defensively—

But then—

Choosing  to learn that which we need to know about ourselves, takes maturity ...

And so it goes ...

Something tells me that this train of thought is suggesting that my sense of readiness is nearing the station where  my three year-old self waits to be revealed.  In other words, I may be in the process of maturing (shrugging off subconscious fear—relieving inner conflict), and I really hope that's true...

275 An Aha! Moment ...

Today is Sunday, 9/25/2011.

Upon rereading post 270, today,  I had an Aha! moment.

As I've added that Aha! moment to post 270, you may want to reread it.

274 VENEZUELA

J Let's bid welcome to VENEZUELA!

273 HONG KONG

J Let's bid welcome to Hong Kong"!

272 PILLARS

J Funny thing about Pillars ...

Seems like pillars of friendship and pillars of strength are one and the same ...

1. Pillar #One:    Open-minded-positively-focused attitudes which lead to ...
2. Pillar # Two:   Mutual respect which is based in ...
3. Pillar # Three: Listening acuity... resulting in ...
4. Pillar # Four:   Trustful negotiations ... so that needs are considered all around

When pillars of srength
Fortify solidarity
Amongst family and friends
Guess what develops?
Generosity of spirit
:-) Annie

271 GENEROSITY OF SPIRIT DEPENDS UPON FOUR PILLARS OF STRENGTH

1. Pillar #One:    Open-minded-positively-focused attitudes which lead to ...
2. Pillar # Two:   Mutual respect which is based in ...
3. Pillar # Three: Listening acuity... resulting in ...
4. Pillar # Four:   Trustful negotiations ... so that needs are considered all around

270 LAUGHING AT THE TRUTH & A SIMPLE PLAN FOR INTERNAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Riddle:
How do I know that trying to deflect denial, on my own
Is as futile as trying to swim through a tsunami or turn it around?
Been there.  Done that. Until my ego drowned.

Riddle:
How is my ego like a cat?
It's had at least nine lives.
Drown
Resurrect
Drown
Resurrect
Hmmm—good to know that in Salem I'd not have been declared a witch!

Riddle:
When cleansing the closets of my mind, what must develop
Before solid layers of confusion, angst and fear of pain
Soften enough to slough off?
The Four Pillars of Strength.

Riddle:
How does the Merriam-Webster Medical Dictionary define slough (to sluff off) ?
To separate top layers of dead tissue from living tissue

Riddle:
Can you name The Four Pillars of Strength?
Gottcha!

Riddle:
What's the difference between believing in principles
And living up to principles under fire?
Talking the talk or walking the walk.

So, fess up
Did you name The Four Pillars of Strength?
Or are they stored in the closet of your mind
As they are in mine?
No worries if you can't retrieve them, right now
On the other hand
What good are they in storage
If you can't find find them under fire?
Preaching priciples is common
Living up to your own high principles, under fire, is rare.

Riddle:
If others can see what we're in denial of why can't we?
Experience buries different fears deep inside each mind.

Riddle:
If denial blinds me to myself
How can I recognize subconscious fears that darken my mind?
Humble myself by placing my ego in time out
Seek out positively focused, and thus, supportive help
Consciously work at opening my eyes, ears, and mind by reconsidering my beliefs
Tunnel until subconscious fears and stubborn beliefs emerge and clarity is mine

Riddle:

If we want to recognize where we're in denial, then why can't we?

Our egos are programmed to blind us to certain beliefs, fears and faults
Our egos hitch rides wherever we go
The intelligent side of the brain must consciously place the ego in time out
Before denial is exposed
We have no clue how often the ego influences thought patterns
Which shape our  perceptions
We have no clue how often our egos assume control over our minds
For example:
When in denial, I believe myself empowered
To harmonize the perceptions of every player on the team
Then my intelligence kicks in, and I accept the futility of this particular rescue mission, again
Ahhh!  I feel something stirring deep inside my mind ...  Here it comes!
Another insight is emerging, at last!
Hopefully this Aha! moment will lighten my spirit
And free my mind to move my story along:

Just as I was unable to turn the tides of fate when I was three
I've not been empowered to turn the tides of fate for these past ten years!
Being an instructor of family communications does not empower me
To douse the fires of this particular conflict
Which has been burning for for so long, because ...
Dousing a fire of this magnitude requires teamwork from all sides
Therefore, tis high time that the intelligent side of my brain
Sets my self confidence aside in order that
The spongy side of my brain can soak up these facts:
This rescue mission has been founded in love rather than common sense
Rather than mourning my inability to resolve this particular conflict
My intelligence must redirect its focus toward resolving the inner conflict
That tires my mind and exhausts my energy source, time and again
As to what had misdirected me to believe my rescue mission on target?  Well—
Love is like that ... blinding, you know ... and
This combination of love and self confidence tends to push my intelligence
Away from the shore line where common sense has waited patiently
To wrap me within its safe haven of peace of mind
You see, each time a tsunami has overwhelmed my state of well being
My confidence in skillful communications
Has caused me to ignore many objective supporters on shore
Who keep yelling that this tsunami is about to suck my spirit under, again—
Unfortunately, once my mind has swum this far into denial
I can't see or hear anything but my successful history
On the other hand, today, I've finally hit upon this next train of thought
Which, hopefully, will enable me to redirect my course
When an overwhelming inner conflict threatens to throttle my mind again:
I must reconsider which part of my belief system may be messing with my mind
This means I'll consciously reconsider the golden rules that comprise my belief system
And hopefully in this manner, my intelligence will leash my ego
Thus detouring my self confidence from diving directly into a tsunami's undertow, again

In short, here is what this overwhelming experience has taught me to change, today:

Whenever a goal, essential to my peace of mind, escapes me, over long
I'll question which part of my belief may be in need of retuning

Then, if I feel the need to seek out positively focused, supportive help

My intelligence will allow my mind to work as a whole
And in order to open my eyes, ears, and mind to what I am empowered to change
I'll create a simple...
TWO-STEP INTERNAL-CONFLICT RESOLUTION PLAN
Step one:
When conflicting files fly open simultaneously—
Thus maximizing confusion inside my head—
Shall I do this or that?
I'll minimize internal conflict by setting my compass at neutral
This will offer me time to consider which side of the mixed message
May offer me a greater sense of peace at this particular time
(Speak my piece or maintain surface peace by holding my tongue—for now)
Step two:
Upon resetting my mind to neutral, I'll clarify which shoreline to swim toward:
The shoreline where others ask for help in hopes of recovering from blindness
Or the shoreline where my blind spots await recognition from me
What I will not do is continue to dog paddle round and round
In the deep end in rescue of those so far into the undertow of denial
That they can't see the wisdom of swimming toward one shoreline or the other
Any more than I did—until today.
And that train of thought leads me to highlight two final insights for today:

Each time I work at resolving an inner conflict (shall I do this or that?)

My mind vacillates back and forth until I think to figure out
Which part of my belief system may be out of wack with reality

Once my belief system and reality are on the same track, clarity and peace of mind are mine
(Until something flies in from out of the blue; another conflict arises within;
and like it or not—that's life, folks!)

269 POST (263) HAS BEEN REWRITTEN

In case you'd like to know
Post 263 has been rewritten (on Sept. 24, 2011)
And rewritten
The more I clarify my thoughts
The better I feel

Still rereading post 263
Every day
With each reading
My mind digests another realistic goal
And thus does insight replenish my energy source

As re-energizing my mind lifts my spirit
My smile feels more playful, today, than yesterday.
Good thing
Because I'm leading a group, tonight—
Parents of triplets

The last thing
Parents of triplets
Need
Is a leader
Who feels discouraged

As life is a puzzle
We work
To create bigger pictures
By replacing mayhem
With a Three Step Sanity Saving Plan

Each time
Weary minds
Feel encouraged to resolve conflicts
By making good use of a realistic plan
Mayhem feels more peaceful than before
J

268 POLICING MAYHEM

If someone, who's first name is Mayhem, keeps setting your house on fire, wouldn't you call the fire chief to stop Mayhem from disrupting your sense of peace?

If the roles of mayhem and firefighter exist, side by side, inside our minds, and if mayhem burns peace of mind to a crisp, which side of your mind needs to maintain control in order to douse the fire?

Riddle:
What's the fire chief's name?
Humility Clarity

Riddle:
What's the fire chief's middle name?
Courage

Riddle:
What's the fire chief's full name?
Humility Courage Clarity

Riddle:
What does a fire chief named Humility Clarity Courage inspire?
 Positive Change

Riddle:
What's Mayhem's last name?
 This time you tell me ...
Puleeeeze!
All questions and comments welcome ...
J

267 WHAT SAY YOU?

Why rescue ourselves from secrets, which slip into our subconscious?
Secrets complicate our days as we puzzle through life.

As secrets tend to re-emerge one piece at a time, common sense suggests retrieving details until excess baggage is fully exposed.

When cleaning out the closet of my mind, I get rid of what no longer fits or shrink my ego down to size.  Either way, I lose weight, and my spirit lightens up.

If you're sick of me going on and on about denial, self defeat and cleaning closets, please make your feelings known.  Though watching my thoughts shape up on the screen inspires me to develop into the person I prematurely believe myself to be, there's no need to publish all my musings unless they hold meaning for you.

So if too many musings pour TMI into my posts, please feel free to share what's on your mind with me.

When the subject is life
Nothing stays the same very long
When the subject is life

All things get better or worse

When the subject is life
I'd rather gain insight and freedom
Than pounds or pain

Oh by the way—

Remember those five pounds that grew to be ten?

Last week I got fed up with pinning my jeans

And sneaking past my full length mirror.

Five down, five to go.

Three of those pounds don't count.

I lost them when my spirit felt too heavy to eat.

J

266 CLOSETS

Upon cleaning old baggage out of our closets, there's less chance of a mess firing up.

265 WITH INSIGHT AND TIME PAIN MAY BE INSPIRED TO WAIN

Though a need to commemorate the tenth anniversary of 9/11 arose within me, last week,  my sense of clarity stalled.  Then I read an article, written by Matt Roush in which he asks:

"How best to memorialize the heroes of 9/11?"

In answer to this question Roush quotes Chief Feinberg, a character on the show Rescue Me:

"You do it by talking about their deeds ... you tell their stories."

Then Roush goes on to write:

"By telling its stories with such impassioned irreverence, Rescue Me honors the fallen as well as those still fighting fire with blazing conviction."

In many ways we are fire fighters, running into burning buildings in hopes of saving lives.  And I agree that stories, which highlight respect for realism over idealism, are necessary to healing—especially at times when we're so grief struck as to have lost all sense of groundedness.

Another word for groundedness is—clarity.
And
Clarity is grounded by tunneling through history.

If history proves the world to be less than a safe haven for all then is that not reason to live up to our principles when under fire at home?

Another word for principles is—values.

I've come to place a high value upon 'firefighters' in all walks of life.
I hope vigilance in dousing fires and helping the dispirited to heal meets with success more often than not.
When today feels dower and my self confidence is burning up—I believe insight into grounding myself by tunneling toward clarity, may lift my spirit, tomorrow.
It's only a day away...

  

264 LIGHT SABERS BRIGHTEN DARK DAYS

Lots of lightsabers, yesterday
The more the merrier when sadness dims the spirit

Riddles:

How is the truth like a rubber band?
When stretched too far, the truth snaps back with a sting.

How are truth and denial alike?
When stretched too far, both snap back with a sting.

If the truth hurts and denial does too, which combination of inner strengths soothes pain—all around?
Courage
Humility
Compassion
Clarity
Patience
Mutual respect

Which orator scared his peers so much they condemned this sage to death?
Socrates

What truth did Socrates' peers fear?
Know thyself

Why do we fear knowing ourselves?
It's far from easy to live up to our own principles.
And our egos don't want to know when we don't.

What's one to do when a straightforward approach stings your listener's heart?

When straightforwardness stings, make good use of creativity and hope for the best.

When straightforwardness and creative thinking fail to produce positive results
The mission may fail but that does not mean the speaker failed, as well.

If you and I have yet to meet then what makes me believe you're in need of rescuing, too?

I believe we're all in need of rescue from misperceptions.

As misperceptions layer up, our minds fill with false belief systems

False beliefs imprint into our minds as facts

False beliefs, which imprint into our minds as facts, mess with clarity

False beliefs narrow our scope, concerning our traits

False beliefs narrow our scope, concerning the traits of others

False beliefs—based in fear—deny common sense:

Witches, tied into a body bag filled with rocks, will drown.
Innocence will rise to the surface?

Really?

False beliefs are often based in whatever we need to hear in hopes of relieving fear:

How many virgins await suicide bombers in heaven?

Seriously!

False beliefs direct us (and all who follow) ever more deeply into emotional fires
Why do intelligent, well educated people follow leaders, who manipulate the truth?

False beliefs burn intelligence, clarity, common sense and compassion to a crisp
Love is like that
And so is fear

If the only person you can change is yourself and if you believe you're doing everything possible to reach a seemingly unreachable goal then which part of your belief might be in need of change?

         What if you believe in close friendships but have no clue that you fear the truth?

         What if you believe in love but have no clue of your fear of intimacy?

         What if you believe in speaking up but have no clue that you're afraid to break the peace?

         What if you believe yourself to be matter of fact
         But can't swallow a bite because anger is eating you up deep insie?

         What if you believe yourself to be honest and positively focused
         While behind defensive walls, your ego can sense the truth closing in?

         What if you believe others are 100% to blame for chronic conflicts
         Because you couldn't possibly be, at all?

From what do we need rescue?

From mixed messages, imprinted into our minds as indelibly as tattoos

From times when the opposite of what we believe is true
From belief systems that mess injure our relationships

Which relationships?

Deeply valued relationships
Which felt warm and cozy
Until denial's defensive walls locked intimacy out

Often times
We're in need of rescue
From the relationship
That each continues to develop
With—oneself

   
If there's a reason for everything then:
Common sense suggests tunneling till surprising insecurities emerge

Why uproot that stuff?
Stuff we stuff impinges on our well being in covert ways
Tunneling leads toward AHA! moments
Which release us from subconscious pain
AHA! moments reveal insecurities
Which cause us to unwittingly repeat self-defeating mistakes.

How do I know all of the above is true?

I did not say this what I know

I said this is what I believe
And as you know,  I'd love to know what you believe, too ... 

263 PAIN NO GAIN—AT LEAST NOT YET ...

I've not written in several days
I was away

Connecting with people

In need of rescue from themselves

If you know people not in need of rescue from themselves

I'd like to meet them and say

If you have information, which might help the rest of us,

Please share your secrets

Anyway, while I was away

Conflicting files flew open simultaneously
In the hard drive of my mind
I hate when that happens!

You see, that's when I need
Rescue from myself!
In truth, this being in need of rescue
From one's sense of confusion is as contagious as heck!

When conflicting files fly open, simultaneously, all round
Confusion snares clarity into a smokescreen
And mixed messages mess with my mind:
Speak up for yourself/Have nothing nice to say?  Say nothing at all.

Once I got home, the divided aspects of my mind and I
Were in need of Walden Pond
Upon diving into the deep, questions arose
Which led to insights which inspire more questions, such as these:

To what end must love stretch
To rescue those, lost in a maze
Inside a building
That's been burning for years?

How long will my heart
Feel the need to run to their aid
When the only way out of the fire
Necessitates a change in my direction?

At what point do I stand still long enough
To rest my mind
Reset my compass
And sooth my sad spirit with insights such as these:

As long as denial is in the driver seat
Conflicts flare, and head on collisions occur—
Unless one driver makes the conscious choice to turn off the beaten path
And quietly travels another

As long as others remain lost in smokescreens of their own making
They remain unreachable—to me.

Each time I place my spirit in danger of burning out

I run deeper into the fires of denial, as well.


Those insights inspired these questions concerning when to rescue others or myself:
How long will I allow mixed messages to cloud my mind with confusion?
How long will I allow mixed messages to singe my sense of peace?
How long will I allow mixed messages to swallow my sense of clarity, whole?
Love does that, you know.
Why?
Love is emotional; resolving conflicts is logical; denial is blind to logic

How many times will I allow my sense of hope crash?
How many times will I allow my spirt flag at half mast?
How many times will I allow denial to control my mind?
As many times as I allow my smoke screens to confuse realistic hope with false hope


Life is a series of riddles.
For example:
What's to be gained
When false hope sets its sights on dousing fires, burning with rage?
More pain.
Why?  Because—
Casting false hope is like dousing raging forest fires with empty buckets.
Why?  Because:
False hope is empty of logic, and the same is true of rage.


If pain without gain is self destructive, then what time is it? 
Time to face these facts:
This rescue mission has been off track from the get go
No matter how creative this fire fighter's approach
Ten years of false hope has brought naught but futility
Futility doth not empower me to douse the fires of anyone's denial
Including my own

If pain without gain defies common sense then where do I go from here?
Though some might turn toward the path of pessimism
The path I seek is one where realism and idealism part ways.


Once on this new path I'll differentiate between realistic hope and false hope—
Based in unrealistic expectations


This path will permit the vitality of my spirit
To disconnect from all sources of negative energy
So my heart can connect, compassionately
With wounded egos that fear clarity
Quite a mouthful!


Once on this path of clarity
I'll refocus upon letting go of unrealistic expectations and false beliefs
Such as these:
As a communication instructor
I am empowered to empower those in denial to open their minds. (Not!)
As a communications instructor
I am empowered to empower those in denial to see holes in their perceptions.  (Not!)

What do I hope to gain by writing this post?
I hope to sooth my pain by setting realistic goals of self empowerment
Such as these:
I'll empower myself to absorb insights that my advisors have pointed out—for years:

I'll never be empowered to empower those in denial to open their minds.

I'll never be empowered to empower those in denial to see holes in their perceptions.
I'll remember the difference between ignorance and denial:
Whereas ignorance does not know the facts, denial refuses to accept fact as fact.
I'll learn to recognize:
The futility of rescue missions before my spirit crashes into denial's walls.
I'll work to remember this trilogy:
Attitude, timing and readiness are everything.
Wounded egos feel burned anew each time the truth knocks on denial's door.
When the student is ready, the teacher appears—and not before.

Bottom line, here's what I hope to gain from my ego's recent bout of burning pain:
I'll issue myself a permit
Excusing this firefighter from pursuing rescue missions that prove futile, repeatedly.
I'll check to see that the hose of clarity targets my mind to soften my layers of denial.
Each time a mixed message arises in my mind, I'll separate it into two parts.
Then I'll call upon discretion to choose which side is fitting, today:
When to rock the boat and speak my mind?
When to maintain 'surface' peace by holding my tongue?
Upon pointing the hose of clarity
Toward the side of the message that's proven in vain
I'll cleanse my closet of false hope
Which does naught but propel me toward self defeat—again.

Why did I work so hard to resolve a conflict that been blazing for ten years?
Two reasons:
Love is like that.
And then there's my batting average:
When faced with similar situations in the past, I'd consistently knocked conflicts out of the park, every time I came up to bat.  As my batting average had met with nothing but success, striking out never dawned on me—until this week.  This week my ego bowed to humility and the concept of balance in all things.

Ah—love!
Ah—success!
Ah—self confidence
Ah—loss!
Ah—denial!
Ah—awareness!
Ah—Aha moments!
This mixed bag of
Love, success, self confidence, loss, and denial led my rescue mission astray until—
I faced the full length reflection of futility staring out from my mirror, today
Upon letting go of false hope, based in unrealistic expectations, based in false beliefs
Tis time to set new goals for myself.
And here's how I'll hope to achieve them:
I'll remind myself to remember these insights when smokescreens blur my vision:
Despite my most creative efforts, this building has burned for ten years
Wounded egos, fearing the truth, fear tunneling
Attitude, timing, and readiness are everything
Each wounded ego must do its own work in its own good time
"He who is not, every day, conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life." R.W. Emerson
Negative attitudes breed bitterness
Positive attitudes buoy my spirit
When wounded egos or ignorance put me down
My sense of clarity must be positively grounded
Repetition is not Redundant when the goal is Retention
Reviewing these insights, often, is wise
Tomorrow and the day after that I can repeat what I did, today
Today, I printed this post
Carried it with me
Came home
Edited it.  Reread it, repeatedly.

If you believe your attitudes are positive
When, in truth, bitterness darkens your sense of clarity
I'll keep to my path—
Wish you well on your own—
And hope for positive change
As the future unfolds.

As these insights buoy my spirit, let's examine several more:
(I can't believe all of this keeps pouring out of my mind!)

Energy expended must be replenished
The first spirit I must save from burning to a crisp is my own
How many times have we heard:  Put your oxygen mask on first
When my spirit crashes I can't muster the energy
To help those who approach me for help, freely
Thirst for knowledge  comes from within.
I can lead others toward THE FOUR PILLARS OF INNER STRENGTH
But I can't make them drink.


Redirecting the vitality of my spirit away from negativity is quite a feat
Push my buttons?  Watch me pull those buttons off and zip my lips.
If I know all of this to be true then—
Why is my spirit still at half mast?
Why is my mind so weary?
Why is my ego not happy?
Why?  Why?  Why?
It's no easier being human than it is for Kermit to be green.
Placing The Blame Game to one side in favor of pumping up
THE FOUR PILLARS OF INNER STRENGTH
Is hard work, and softening the layers of one's belief system takes time
I saw myself as an infallible fire fighter until this week
This week, I 'see myself' as humbled as any vulnerable human being
Oftentimes, clarity, in terms of reality, instills pain before gain
On the upside:
Pain wains once insight is fully absorbed into the spongy side of my brain.
RR&R

We are witnessing my intelligence soothing the ego of a cock-eyed optimist.
We are witnessing my spirit grieving for this cock-eyed optimist's loss of false hope.
We are witnessing common sense placing my ego into time out.
We are witnessing idealistic beliefs transforming into realistic goals.
We are witnessing a belief system in the process of rebalancing
We are witnessing a person inspiring the self preservation
Of a spirit, subconsciously sad, overlong

At the beginning of every class I write NGU on the board.
NEVER GIVE UP
NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR GOALS
NEVER GIVE UP ON HOPE
NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR LOVED ONES
NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF
Today I'll write
NEVER STOP LEARNING
AND
NEVER SAY NEVER
Now the playful side of my spirit is smiling.

I know that once my ego heals, this spell of grief will pass.
I know that insight will re-energize my inner strengths
I know that once my spirit breaks loose of this spell
Tomorrow's gain will be worth today's pain.
How do I know those insights are true?
When questing for insight
I tunnel through my history
Each time I tunnel, clarity blows long winded confusion away.
Each time history suggests repeating 'this but not that' —
Based upon 'what's worked and what's not' —
I revise idealistic goals
And resurrect a realistic sense of hope
That rests my mind
And frees my spirit's smile


In hopes of remaining focused on new goals:
I aim to walk toward a realistic future brightened by
Love, compassion, experience and clarity.


I aim to remember the futility of these past ten years.


I aim to empower my mind, body, and spirit to recognize rescue missions
Which push past reality.


I aim to reset my sights on realistic expectations


Before my spirit falls into denial's realm of despair


I aim to soak my head and soften my layers of denial until today's turning point sticks!


I aim to let go and forgive but not forget, because forgetting precedes repeating.


I aim to readjust myfirefighting paradigm based upon this self defeating experience.

Being human
My spirit may still crash
From time to time
Crashing is one thing
Burning is another
Empowered by
THE PILLARS OF STRENGTH
I'll aim to rescue my spirit before it gets crispy.

Riddle:
How are pessimists and cock-eyed optimists alike?
Rather than getting glasses, both need to get their heads examined.

That insight inspires me to place a great bigJright here, because—


Humor is the best medicine for a heavy heart
And now that my mind, heart and spirit feel somewhat relieved
I'm glad to end with these thoughts for today:
Each time I dive into the intelligent side of my mind
And walk this path of insight with you
The darkness brightens and my spirit lightens

Why is this true?

When I need a pep talk
The intelligent side of my brain
Is well practiced
At soothing the wounds of my ego and setting it aside
You see, each time my ego stops doing my thinking, clarity is mine
Once clarity is mine, my spirit comes out to play!
Wishing you a peaceful, playful day—
Annie

262 TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR #9

(9)
As Jennie and Jack walk through the foyer at the bottom of the stairwell, Jack glances into their mail box. “It’s probably all bills,” he quips. “They can wait till tomorrow.  I don’t want anything to dampen my mood for the surprise I've planned for you, tonight.”  Then, sharing a smile with his best girl, Jack opens the front door and follows his sweetheart outside.

Though the weather is damp and cloudy, it’s a glorious moment for a young man to pause on the cement stoop and inhale his joyful anticipation of celebrating with his favorite girl.  Since Jennie shies from showing public affection, while Jack exposes a kaleidoscope of emotions, he’s likely to grab her round the waist, pull her close and laugh aloud, as she attempts to charm him into revealing the surprise that he’s planned for this evening.

Ah yes!  The air is crisp.  Love fills the air.  And the sun shines so brightly within my parents’ hearts that clouds, looming darkly overhead, seemingly disappear. All in all, LIFE is beautiful when the pair jump into their car.

While turning onto a major thoroughfare, Jack glances at Jennie and says, “Honey, someday soon, I’m going to teach you to drive.”  Jennie answers with a sweet smile—which Jack accepts as acquiescence.

Mortals aren’t equipped with x-ray vision.  So Jack misses Jennie’s silent resistance to his declaration to teach her to drive.

Though most instincts are innate, others are experientially acquired.  As Jennie has learned that her impassioned Jack is not a patient teacher, she instinctively senses the probability of challenge arising.

When instinct alerts Jennie to possible conflict, she protects herself by way of woman’s wiles.  And in this case, Jennie’s instinct NOT to be taught to drive by Jack is right on the mark.  (I can attest to that as a fact, because when I walked into our house and proudly waved my driving permit above my head—guess who taught me!)

261 A QUIET DAY 9/11/2011

If ever there was a day for quiet reflection, it's today.

260 TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR #8

If it’s true that the greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother, then my sister and I received that gift nine times over.  In addition to witnessing adoration in action—my father showered Lauren and me with devotion, as well—which makes it’s easy to see why an unrealistic expectation concerning my future husband’s rapture had unwittingly imprinted deeply into my mind.  In short, I’d unconsciously expected to see ‘the look of love’ directed at me—year after year—forever.

If Shakespeare’s head popped out of this post, right now

we'd surely hear love’s foremost scribe say:

Alas!

How naïve doth yonder maiden’s daydreams be!

She, who emulates her father’s lust for life,

Forgets that opposites attract.

As unrealistic expectations cause hearts to weep

This damsel's spirit shalt surely take a tumble

Early in my life, MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS, will not have been published.  So, when my unabashedly passionate father grabs hold of my mother’s hand and recites his blessings, aloud, while he and she make their blissful way down three flights of stairs on that cloudy, ill fated, Saturday afternoon in November of 1946, no ‘relationship expert’ will fill my parents' minds with the ill-conceived belief that men are naturally logical, women emotional.

259 TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR #7

In our family, hero worship was not unusual.  From the moment my father had first laid eyes on my mother—at a public dance where they’d met in May of 1941—he was smitten.  And Dad remained smitten with ‘his Jennie’ until late into his eighties, when he’d exhaled his last breath.  On countless occasions, I’d watched my dad stand mesmerized, while staring at my mom.

Assuming a relaxed stance—with one hand resting lightly on his hip—Dad would stand before Mom, drinking in his vision of black-eyes and raven tresses, adorning curvaceous, feminine perfection.  Standing there, transfixed, smiling widely, Dad’s inner glow of gladness shone forth until his eyes glistened like a pair of star sapphires.  Ultimately, an incandescent radiance enhanced my father’s entire being.  I kid you not.

As seconds passed Dad’s intoxicated gaze prevailed until Mom blushed and laughingly exclaimed, “Jack!  Stop that already!”  Then waving her hands, back and forth, before Dad’s face, Mom would break through love’s magic spell.  Ultimately, during that final moment—right before his state of heightened awareness descended into the range of normalcy, again, Dad conveyed the depth of his wonder by declaring in a voice filled with awe, “Just look at her.  Isn’t she something!

At that point every person in the room who'd witnessed Dad’s naked adoration of my mom, repeatedly, shared an amused glance, all around, until Dad, growing self-aware, realized why his ‘audience’ was chuckling.  Then Dad would “bust out laughing” too.

This scenario did not ensue solely when attired for weddings or balls.  This was Dad’s natural reaction when Mom appeared, wearing Peter Pan collars, pedal pushers and flats.

Thus did I grow up watching the regenerative powers of magnetic attraction, which had drawn Dad toward Mom at the dance where they’d first met in the spring of 1941.  And, all my mother had to do to cast the siren’s spell over her husband’s heart for the next 60 years was—walk into the room.

258 SKELETONS RATTLING IN MY CLOSET

I once thought that skeletons in closets referred to secrets kept from others.

The fact that we keep secrets from ourselves surprised me.


As I feel a strong need to clean out this corner of my closet, let's dive in and see if any scary skeletons pop out ...

257 OPTIMIST OR SKEPTIC?

How many are fooled into believing themselves cup-half-full people, when their actions prove them skeptics at heart?

Whereas a cup-half-empty person is likely to edge fearfully back from the end of the diving board and leave well enough (?) alone ... an optimist is likely to say:  There's enough water in my cup to prevent me from hitting bottom, so I'll inch past fear and dive forward.  Or at least keep inching forward.

As you shall see in story after story:
Resolving inner conflict and regaining peace of mind has been worth each dive.

Once instinct suggests
That readiness for change is mine
I hold my breath
Pinch my nose
Take the plunge
Open my eyes
And see what 'secrets' I may find
Deep inside my mind
As to why I find that to be true:
All the better to be
Where I am today
Than where I was before

256 SUBCONSCIOUS WHISPERS TO MY CONSCIOUS MIND ...

As you shall see, much of this story is light and bright.  Even so, heaviness, tucked inside my mind, needs to be purged.

During trying times, short spells of denial may render us numb, thus allowing us to function, day to day.  On the other hand, long spells of denial imprison painful truths, which cast dark clouds over a person's sense of well being.  If, with the passage of time, perception and reality fail to match up, a nagging sense of inner conflict develops  and peace of mind does not return until the truth emerges, at last.

With the passage of time, a mind in denial may feel so defensive as to revise memories—meaning that we may not consciously recall certain moments as they actually took place.
Unfortunately:  Upon revising memories, we're condemned to repeat mistakes.

As repeating mistakes is counterintuitive to anyone's welfare, I tend to write while memory is fresh.  Upon rereading certain stories, hindsight reveals patterns of which I'd been unaware at an earlier time.  In short, I enjoy writing stories for many reasons.

Through story telling, I experience the sweet nostalgia of connecting with loved ones, who've passed.  Each time I sit down to write and emotion resurrects, the subconscious portion of my brain whispers 'secrets' into the ear of my conscious mind.  As 'forgotten' emotions emerge on my screen, I stare in awe as thoughts shape into insights, one word at a time.

Sometimes I write while my friend, Antonio, cuts my hair.  One day, Antonio's scissors stopped snipping as he said:  Annie, I love to watch you write.  Everything you're feeling shows on your face, and I can't help but wonder what you're thinking when a chuckle follows a frown.  Then he went on to say:  If you ever write a story about me, make sure you say I'm 'straight'.  That made us both laugh.  For thirty years, Antonio, his scissors and I have enjoyed a warm, trustful friendship.  He and his mom were amongst the first people to visit the second time I was in intensive care.  Somehow they smuggled in armfuls of flowers, which were given to patients with few visitors, because flowers and intensive care don't mix.  So though I'd describe my friend as more sensitive than Rocky, Antonio—who's newly single and takes good care of his three sons—is most certainly an Italian stallion, who loves the ladies.  And one day, the hilarity of his stories will show up in my blog.  I know this, because they've been saved to my hard drive, for quite some time.

As TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR was saved to my hard drive, years ago, I wonder what's causing my conscious mind to resist copying this document to my blog.

Upon reflection, this possibility arises:
For the most part my summer has been light hearted.  Common sense suggests that once I uncap this well, my subconscious may release waves of grief, which may dissolve my sense of peace.

Though denial staves off 'truths', too painful to bare, lugging that kind of baggage around is what weighs our spirits down.

Hopefully, I'm closing in on closet cleaning time—again.

Though you've watched me work at releasing painful 'secrets' before, I've no clue what Mother Nature may have seen fit to withhold from my conscious memory when I was a terrified tot.

So if I'm conflicted about diving into the deep then what feeds my need to perch on this diving board, now?  Experience suggests that inner strength will entice my resistance to wain, because as soon as baggage, buried for decades, emerges, any pain that's released will have been worth the wait.  And this is why I go about my day, practicing patience, until readiness to reclaim a lost 'truth' ripens.

And while most of my mind tends to daily tasks, one slice will perch on this diving board until—another slice of reality frees me of this ghost, which has haunted my sense of well being since I was three.

Upon taking this slow but steady approach in which subconscious turmoil is released in measured amounts, I maintain a sense of balance while exposing the difficult parts of my story.

As to why I feel the need to write this post, today?
I usually awaken with an eagerness to write.  Today, I awoke with a subtle sense of dread.  Dread serves to signal me that a painful memory is pushing against a locked door, which I've developed the strength to remember.  And in hopes of relieving my mind of this heavy load, which developed into a subconscious fear of who-knows-what, my conscious mind is tunneling toward the key to unlocking this 'lost' memory—once and for all.

As you can see, waiting for the fearful side of my mind to gather the courage to believe me strong enough to achieve this goal takes a ton of patience.  In fact, I had my annual physical, today, and my internist has been ministering to my health for thirty-five years, so we know each other well.  Upon listening to me explain how much patience it takes to get my subconscious to release information, he laughed.  "I want the fearful side of my brain to accept my readiness," I said.  "But it just won't believe me, yet!" After laughing, together, he and I agreed that when it comes to accepting reality or sharing it's deep, dark secrets, our brains take their own good time.
GRRRRRR!
JYour friend, Annie

PS
What do you do
When a slice of your mind
Is perching on a diving board
Like mine?
Do you eat everything in sight?
Lose your appetite?
Stay awake at night?
Blame others when some aspect of life remains lame?
Drink yourself into oblivion?
Smoke weed?
Shoot up?

Though I've done it all—

Except for the last three
Thank God I write and write and write
Because with each insight I absorb
My mind strengthens
Denial weakens
And insight is invited
To stoke my energy source
With positive focus
Until the sum of my parts—
That being my mind, spirit and body—
 Function as a healthy whole
And having reached this stage of life
I give myself permission to ponder, perch, purge and heal

255 TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR #6

At not quite three years old—and for many years thereafter—I did what most children do—I took the best aspects of life with my parents for granted.  Today, reflection suggests that my parents shared two powerful strengths, which profoundly affected everyone in our family:

Each conveyed the ability to express love and accept love in return.

My father, whose eyes shone with a joyful passion for life, had been famous for flashing smiles as bright as sunbeams at his wife and daughters.  As for Mom, the depth of her love of family cast forth a glow as heartwarming as Dad’s expressiveness.  I’d always felt welcomed to nestle in the gentle warmth of my lovely mother’s embrace, and unknowingly, I'd looked to emulate her womanly traits in every way.
Each time I’d looked up at my Dad, I saw much more than a male authority figure.  I saw a handsome, blue-eyed, blond, solidly built, super hero, who, in all of life’s arenas, had seemed masterfully immune to defeat.

In reality, Dad had tipped out at five-foot-six.  Even so, his super sized spirit had far surpassed his height, and his playful imagination proved so engaging that it’s no wonder why I grew up laughing at his corny jokes, worshipping the ground he walked on, and eagerly obeying his every word.  In addition to being my first playmate—Dad was my hero.  (When I walk down the aisle and Will takes me as his bride, I'll take no issue with the verbiage: love, honor, and obey.)